Beratnya Jahiliyyah

Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way

Assalamualaikum..

Erk, memang nampak macam agak lagho di situ sebab tiba-tiba guna lirik lagu pulak.

Tapi bukan sebab nak lagu semata-mata tapi aku suka lirik dia (yang part ni je la,part lain tak) sebab boleh relate dengan diri sendiri kot.

Every time aku rasa down dengan diri sendiri, dengan jahiliyyah diri yang berkepuk-kepuk susah nak dibuang, aku mesti teringat lirik ni :'(

Terasa sangat la susah. Susahnya mujahadah. Susahnya ingin berubah. Semua tu hanya Allah je yang tahu. Penyesalan. Rasa memang macam itu antara benda yang sangat2 la menghantui diri. Sedar perbuatan tu satu dosa. Tapi masih buat. Allah...

Berat. Berat bila diri dah tahu, bila diri dah sedar. Jahiliyyah yang kalau dulu tak terasa besar ujiannya, tapi bila nak ditinggalkan semakin berat rasa. Semakin diuji dengan hebatnya *lap air mata*

Rasa risau. Allah masih bagi chance sekarang, masih bagi peluang. Kalau tiba2 nyawa ditarik,macam mana? Menyesal pun tak berguna lagi :( Rasa tak layak dapat semua nikmat yang Allah bagi sekarang, yang Allah masih bagi. Aku sebagai hamba tak betul betul laksanakan tanggungjawab hamba. Layakkah aku nak terus meminta??

'Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Looking for heaven, found the devil in me

Ya,tulah yang aku sering rasakan. Syurga terasa jauh dengan diri yang masih banyak kejahatan :'(

Lirik:Florence and The Machine (Shake it out)

Guidance and Tarbiyah

Assalamualaikum...
It's been such a long time since the last time I write and all the things I wrote lately were not good,most of it are about me wanting to run away,having emotional problems etc etc...

And yes,I think,since I've begin my life as a third year student at Yarmouk University,my life has been so hectic! I'm so stressful with the subjects I'm taking this semester, I'm having a very rough time adapting myself with my new life,with my new role,supposedly to become a murobbi,insyaAllah..

And yes,there have been like so many times when I'm contemplating with myself,
"Why I have to do this?All of these are so hard. I'm not that strong. Can I really handle a liqo?Usrah? Can I really guide someone when I'm the one who needs guidance?Am I that good?? Cant I just give up all of these,please??"

And so many other questions that keep haunting me from time to time. Giving up. Yes,I've been thinking about giving up for so many times. Not just giving up on tarbiyah but giving up on study. When I'm feeling really low, I feel like packing up everything and just go back to Malaysia. Life seems hard. Or I make it seems hard.

After a while, I realize, I have Allah, family, friends and most of all, I have tarbiyah. Isnt that supposed to differentiate me from others?? And I always feel inferior with myself, I have been feeling like that, all my life. I'm always feeling, no matter how good I am at something, I'm the worst. And if I keep on thinking like that, who will guide all those sisters, that probably looking for guidance, for Islam but not knowing how.I am the one who had received so many things from my murobbi, who had guide me a really long way to become the people I am right now, surely have to give back right? I cant just sit around and keep on hoping for someone to share something with me without me myself wanting to share something with someone else. I really cannot do that.

Everytime I'm thinking of that, I realize, I have to do something. I have to give back what I have received from others. Islam, dont belong just to me, it's for everyone. You dont want to be the good guy all by yourselves and making others look bad. We all want to be the good guys, and be together in Jannah.

And yes, this road is never easy. No one has said it will be easy. It's hard. SO hard that sometimes its filled with tears and bloods. Giving up always seems like an easy choice but it's never an option. Me,myself is still lacking in so many things, in my ibadah, in my jahiliyyah that I find so hard to throw away. But I really want to contribute. I want to do something. I want to be in Jannnah with everyone. I want others to be with me together in the Jannah.

So I have to start doing something. What I'm feeling guilty about is for not doing much, for giving so many excuses for everything. Strength, I will find more of it. I cant wait for Allah to give it all to me. I'm afraid that if Allah take me away, I dont have much to present to him, not even a single mutarabbi, not even a moment when I've done dakwah. I dont want that :(

Everyone around me is being so nice, giving support and help. Especially my murobbi. I'm especially thankful to her, for always giving me guidance, even when I'm not saying the correct thing, not doing the right thing,for not doing anything :'( I'm afraid if I keep on giving excuses, sitting and just waiting, Allah will take away this tarbiyah from me. NO! Please NEVER let that happen. I'm not strong but without tarbiyah,without Islam,without Allah, I'm nobody. Islam has make me different,make me special,make me want to be better. And I, for more than once and twice and afterward, really want to share this feeling with somebody else.



Wallahualam..