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Sunday, December 2, 2012

Tersentuh








“waktu yang aku perlu habiskan untuk menulis buku, aku gunakan untuk membentuk seratus pemuda Islam. Setiap orang daripada mereka akan menjadi sebuah buku yang hidup, bercakap, beramal dan meninggalkan kesan. Aku hantarkan setiap orang daripada mereka ke sebuah Negara daripada Negara-negara Islam, lalu mereka membentuk para pemuda di situ sebagaimana aku membentuk mereka.” 
(Imam Hassan Al-Banna)

Monday, November 26, 2012

Beratnya Jahiliyyah

Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh

But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

And I've been a fool and I've been blind

I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way


Assalamualaikum..
Erk, memang nampak macam agak lagho di situ sebab tiba-tiba guna lirik lagu pulak.
Tapi bukan sebab nak lagu semata-mata tapi aku suka lirik dia (yang part ni je la,part lain tak) sebab boleh relate dengan diri sendiri kot.
Every time aku rasa down dengan diri sendiri, dengan jahiliyyah diri yang berkepuk-kepuk susah nak dibuang, aku mesti teringat lirik ni :'(

Terasa sangat la susah. Susahnya mujahadah. Susahnya ingin berubah. Semua tu hanya Allah je yang tahu. Penyesalan. Rasa memang macam itu antara benda yang sangat2 la menghantui diri. Sedar perbuatan tu satu dosa. Tapi masih buat. Allah...

Berat. Berat bila diri dah tahu, bila diri dah sedar. Jahiliyyah yang kalau dulu tak terasa besar ujiannya, tapi bila nak ditinggalkan semakin berat rasa. Semakin diuji dengan hebatnya *lap air mata*

Rasa risau. Allah masih bagi chance sekarang, masih bagi peluang. Kalau tiba2 nyawa ditarik,macam mana? Menyesal pun tak berguna lagi :( Rasa tak layak dapat semua nikmat yang Allah bagi sekarang, yang Allah masih bagi. Aku sebagai hamba tak betul betul laksanakan tanggungjawab hamba. Layakkah aku nak terus meminta??

'Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Looking for heaven, found the devil in me

Ya,tulah yang aku sering rasakan. Syurga terasa jauh dengan diri yang masih banyak kejahatan :'(
Lirik:Florence and The Machine (Shake it out)

Friday, November 16, 2012

Guidance and Tarbiyah









Assalamualaikum...
It's been such a long time since the last time I write and all the things I wrote lately were not good,most of it are about me wanting to run away,having emotional problems etc etc...

And yes,I think,since I've begin my life as a third year student at Yarmouk University,my life has been so hectic! I'm so stressful with the subjects I'm taking this semester, I'm having a very rough time adapting myself with my new life,with my new role,supposedly to become a murobbi,insyaAllah..

And yes,there have been like so many times when I'm contemplating with myself,
"Why I have to do this?All of these are so hard. I'm not that strong. Can I really handle a liqo?Usrah? Can I really guide someone when I'm the one who needs guidance?Am I that good?? Cant I just give up all of these,please??"

And so many other questions that keep haunting me from time to time. Giving up. Yes,I've been thinking about giving up for so many times. Not just giving up on tarbiyah but giving up on study. When I'm feeling really low, I feel like packing up everything and just go back to Malaysia. Life seems hard. Or I make it seems hard.

After a while, I realize, I have Allah, family, friends and most of all, I have tarbiyah. Isnt that supposed to differentiate me from others?? And I always feel inferior with myself, I have been feeling like that, all my life. I'm always feeling, no matter how good I am at something, I'm the worst. And if I keep on thinking like that, who will guide all those sisters, that probably looking for guidance, for Islam but not knowing how.I am the one who had received so many things from my murobbi, who had guide me a really long way to become the people I am right now, surely have to give back right? I cant just sit around and keep on hoping for someone to share something with me without me myself wanting to share something with someone else. I really cannot do that.

Everytime I'm thinking of that, I realize, I have to do something. I have to give back what I have received from others. Islam, dont belong just to me, it's for everyone. You dont want to be the good guy all by yourselves and making others look bad. We all want to be the good guys, and be together in Jannah.

And yes, this road is never easy. No one has said it will be easy. It's hard. SO hard that sometimes its filled with tears and bloods. Giving up always seems like an easy choice but it's never an option. Me,myself is still lacking in so many things, in my ibadah, in my jahiliyyah that I find so hard to throw away. But I really want to contribute. I want to do something. I want to be in Jannnah with everyone. I want others to be with me together in the Jannah.

So I have to start doing something. What I'm feeling guilty about is for not doing much, for giving so many excuses for everything. Strength, I will find more of it. I cant wait for Allah to give it all to me. I'm afraid that if Allah take me away, I dont have much to present to him, not even a single mutarabbi, not even a moment when I've done dakwah. I dont want that :(

Everyone around me is being so nice, giving support and help. Especially my murobbi. I'm especially thankful to her, for always giving me guidance, even when I'm not saying the correct thing, not doing the right thing,for not doing anything :'( I'm afraid if I keep on giving excuses, sitting and just waiting, Allah will take away this tarbiyah from me. NO! Please NEVER let that happen. I'm not strong but without tarbiyah,without Islam,without Allah, I'm nobody. Islam has make me different,make me special,make me want to be better. And I, for more than once and twice and afterward, really want to share this feeling with somebody else.



Wallahualam..

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Worst Time Ever

I just want to run away,can I?
I dont even have the strength to think anymore.
I think now is almost the longest time that I didnt speak more than ten words in more than 4 hours.
I barely said anything.
That's because I'm lost for words.
I feel bad for feeling bad about people around me.

I reallly REALLY really want to run away.
It's like I'm almost at my limit.
I cant go on anymore.
Seriously.
I may hate myself more than I hate people around me.

Selfish yes I am.
But I dont know what to do.
SO yes,I'm maybe really going to run away..

Friday, October 5, 2012

Recently

Life has been pretty hectic! The start of new sem, I'm officially third year now,alhamdulillah..
Feel a little bit scared because sometimes I dont even know if I'm fully prepared or not. Mentally, I dont think I'm fully prepared. There are just so many problems,so many things to think off =_="

Praying that everything will be okay,may Allah ease everything.
Going to Amman tomorrow to visit a citadel! Feel a lil bit excited and scared at the same time but I know that Allah knew what we are doing and it's for the best. May Allah ease everything tomorrow..

Even though I'm third year already, I still feel homesick *sigh*
That's supposed to be a secret ;)

Erm,yeah, I'm not good at writing..

Wassalam..

ps: will turn 20 soon :)

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Situation

There are several situations where u have a rather bad memories with certain person but in the end, there are always good memories with that person.

That person can be your friend,your family,your relatives or anyone that you know. And the truth is, I dont like the situation when just one bad things happened and a person use that situation to get away from you. Or suddenly avoiding you.

Everyone make mistakes. Do you consider yourself perfect? Then you are definitely wrong. And you always want people to forgive you when you make mistake and go "let's pretend nothing ever happen" but when someone make mistake to you,you cant let it go.And think that person is the worst human alive.

I hate this kind of person. Dont turn on others just because of one simple thing.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

In the End

You'll be alone.
Everyone is like that.
In the end,you have to brave yourself for the big NO.
The answer that you are dreading but always have to hear no matter what.

Monday, August 6, 2012

Maafkanlah..

Assalamualaikum everyone.
Ramadhan Kareem :)

Alhamdulillah,I'm blessed to have the opportunity to celebrate my Ramadhan in Jordan.First Ramadhan actually :)

And during this Ramadhan I think Allah is trying to test me,to see whether I'm patient or not.
That's why Allah test me with so many things.And I'm not proud with most of it.Sometimes I got angry way too easily and sometimes I'm being too emotional and then keep crying alone.Not good definitely =_="

I have an exam today and still didnt read many of the things there.I'll try to finish it this morning because exam is apparently this afternoon at 2. Wish me luck ;)

I realized that people keep doing mistake to you and sometimes you just wanna go away from them but then in the end, they are your friends and you DO love them and dont have the energy to chase them away. SO just forgive them. People make mistakes,you makes mistakes. And even Allah forgive our billions's mistakes.

whether you do good openly or in secret, or pardon others for evil [done unto you]: for, behold, God is indeed an absolver of sins, infinite in His power.
An-Nisa:149

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Life is..

Not that great at the moment.
I feel alone, I feel terrible.
I just wanna go home already.
All of these are killing me.

I look at people and feel afraid that they would saw the hatred in my eyes.
Hatred I have for myself. And for others.
When the time come,I'll leave and will never leave a trace.


Thursday, July 19, 2012

Allah Uji Tanda Allah Sayang

Banyak sangat ujian,rasa nak jatuh terduduk rebah,menangis sendirian.
Tapi apa guna?Menangis akan hilangkah masalah?
Cari Allah..

Rasa sangat akhir2 ni kurang jaga hubungan dengan Allah.
Mungkin sebab tu banyak sangat Allah uji,uji iman,uji hati,uji jiwa.
Tengok sama ada aku akan rebah atau terus melangkah.

Diri aku memang tak kuat.Mana mungkin aku mampu hadapi semuanya sendirian.
Tapi aku x pernah sendiri.Allah ada,di mana2,di hati kita.
Manusia boleh menyakiti.
Yang penting kita sendiri mesti teguh berdiri.
:'(

SEMOGA ALLAH SAMPAIKAN AKU DAN KELUARGAKU KEPADA RAMADHAN

Run Away

I think now is really the time when Allah wants to test me,see  whether I'm patient or not.
And the truth is,I'm not that patient.
My heart is hurt when a close friend treat me badly without reasons and treat others nicely.
My heart is hurt when a close friend is staying away.
My heart is hurt when a close friend always being angry with me.

My heart is hurt because when all of these happens,I dont have people that truly love me around,near me,my family.
I feel like leaving them, like I cant stand it anymore.
I have a heart and I dont deserve to be treated like this.
I feel like running away and finding a new place to live,to be alone.

Sometimes I just want to be alone
I want to be by myself.
Because even when I'm with a crowd of people,no one really care.
So what is the purpose then??
Sometimes I hate myself for hating others, I'm turning into a bad person.
And I hate it.
I do HATE myself,for now.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Fragile One

There are times when I felt like giving up. Putting a full stop on everything going on right now.
And actually,now is one of those times. Times when I feel too fragile, when everything that other people said, even the simplest thing could hurt so much. And I think I have most of it, the big emotional breakdown yesterday. Now I'm feeling better, but still, there are the leftover of those feelings.

Feelings when I feel like I'm the worst person on earth, I'm the most evil one, I'm the ugliest one, the most unworthiest one. Like I dont even know what is the real meaning in life. And I dont deserve any of the thing that I have now. And all those bad feelings. Like everyone is deceiving me,looking down me and hate me T_T

Ya Allah, I really ask for your forgiveness. I feel like an ungrateful person. I make everyone else around me worry me so much. And I'm feeling guilty. A lot. But I think I need to sit down. Think clearly. Allah is the one I'm seeking right now. And I hope I'll find the answer. The reassurance I'm really looking for.

Allah has plan,and His plan is the best. And He knows that by giving me these challenges, I'll be stronger.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Susahnya Membina Thiqah






Assalamualaikum..
This would be my first post after returning from my two weeks trip to UK.
Still tired and maybe I'll write later about my experiences and journey there :)

Thiqah? What it is? For you who didnt know,thiqah is and an Arabic's word and it means trust.
And yes,I know that many of you will agree with me that it's hard to build your trust on someone,to decide whether you could confide your secrets to that particular person,to tell your stories to them,to think of them as someone close to you and so on..

As for me,because of several really bad experiences with people involving trust, I find it hard to trust someone. And at this point, even when I'm close with someone, I still find it hard to trust them. And for me,it need just a simple lie,one simple lie to make my trust in someone fade completely. I really HATE it when someone lie to me. There is one point in life,when I think that my life is full with lies, I cannot even see what is the truth and what is not and I started to hate almost everyone around me. That is how bad it is.

The first step in the process of knowing someone, you'll decide whether they are suitable to be your friends or not, whether you can get along nicely with them or not. I have many friends. I love making new friends and once people really know me, they'll know how easy I am to talk to. But still, I find it hard to trust someone, whether I could them anything personal about me,about my life. Being me,even telling people about my family is kind of hard and personal and I've struggled with it all my life. So,when I trust someone, I give them the half-full trust. And when I've already gave someone the full trust I rarely gave, it's really easy to break them.

When you decided to trust someone, you first see all qualities they have; can they keep your secrets safe, can they understand you?, will they be a good listener?, will they share anything about them with you ( I also cant trust someone who keeps everything to themselves and expect only me to be the one telling everything) and many more.

And of course, first thing first to build a good trust on someone, you'll need to build a really good relationship with them,being a really good friend with them. Without a strong ukhuwwah, how can you build the trust right? :)

And now, I'm in the process of learning, learning on how to build my trust on someone, make somebody else trust me too, how to build a good ukhuwwah with someone. Before this I never cared too much,about having a good relationship,building ukhuwwah with someone I dont know but now, I've saw more of Islam,I've known more so I want to meet more new people, want to build more trust,want to have a rather sweet ukhuwwah with new people. It's not hard especially when I'm thinking I'm doing it in favor with what Allah wants ^___^

During my jaulah to UK,I've felt how sweet ukhuwwah can be. How easy to be closed with someone you rarely know, to share something intimate with them and more. It happened easily because we always think of doing it because of Allah.

Me,who find it hard to trust someone,and still finding it hard even now, is slowly starting to open up,want to walk faster,want to know more,learn more,share more with others. I want to be better and it's start by building trust and ukhuwwah with others,improving myself,improving my relationship with Allah too :)

Hope that Allah will help me, will help us all,insyaAllah..


Sunday, May 27, 2012

Summmmmmer Holiday is Here!

Alhamdulillah, dah start cuti summer pun sekarang. Start summer sem 17 Jun ni. Doa2 dipermudahkan soifi yang pertama di Jordan ni,insyaAllah...

Sem dua,tahun dua sebagai pelajar Yarmouk Uni,course Islamic Banking dah pun lepas. Tak perlu cakap banyak (supaya tak guris hati mana2 pihak) muaddal ok,alhamdulillah... Tapi jatuh jugak dari sem lepas,dalam 0.8 T_T susah sangat nak maintain muaddal. Sem ni, markah ok la,alhamdulillah. Tapi dua madah dapat kepala 7. Memang x puas hati sebab itu antara madah yang tinggi carrymark tapi Allah lebih tahu..Mungkin usaha tak setimpal. Belajar tak ikhlas ke kan,huhu...

Summer holiday ni insyaAllah aku akan melawat negara Europe pulak (ceh,bajet Europe la sangat), UK dengan Paris. Paris bukan France. Sebab memang pergi Paris je,tak melawat satu France. Duit xdop,hoho..

Doakanlah perjalanan aku dengan housemates,baik2 belaka,pergi dan pulang. Semoga kami dilindungi sepanjang di sana. Aku pun tak naklah jalan2 semata2. Nak jugak kutip permata2 dari akhawat UK yg qawiy2 tu ^__^

Doakan semuanya okay. Cuak la jugak...

Moga Allah permudahkan..

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

I think the exam has done wrong to some wires in my head.
I'm not thinking straight, I get moody and angry easily.
=_=''
And now I've post strange status on FB and Twitter.
SO not like me.
I dont know why.
But maybe I'm just too tired and homesick.

I'm trying my best to hold myself together. I'll be okay,insyaAllah ^__^
It's not like I'm down because of exam it's more because of I've holding in too much lately..

-Praying for the best-

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Undefined

Markah final,dah dua madah keluar. Satu madah tu ok la,lagi satu...hmmm...x sampai expectation =_="
Agak sedih la jugak tapi takpelah,Allah knows the best ^__^
-pura2gembirapadahaltimenitengahdown-

Penat lah kadang-kadang. Banyak jugak ujian time2 nak exam ni,demam la ==" Lepas tu,dapat berita macam-macam dari Malaysia.. Huhu...


Sunday, May 13, 2012

Super Insecure

Me,being myself,is always on my own. I do not care that much if people didnt know me, I mean, I dont even know everyone.
Some of my friends,are doing so well for themselves, being busy with the student's society and such. And I,sometimes I feel like I never really move. I just stay there. Quietly.
I'm not the over-friendly type. I dont like to open up to people. Sometimes they  just dont understand.
I do LOVE my friends. They complete my life. I just dont like being too close to someone, I'm afraid they will leave me one day.
don't cry when there is nothing worth crying for
no need to cry over a spieled milk
no need to cry over someone who you knew will never come back
don't cry just because the beach have changed over the course of wave

sometimes,you are stronger but you just don't realize it
sometimes things are much easier if you just accept it with open heart

if you appreciate more,see more,you'll learn more 
:)

Monday, May 7, 2012




penat ckp dgn org yg taknak dengar pndgn orang
buat tensi dan dosa

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Matang

Memang nak sangat jadi matang,lagi matang daripada sekarang.
Walaupun umur dah naik jadi 20, tapi kematangan pemikiran masih tahap budak umur 17 -rasanyalah-
Ke sebab banyak sangat bergaul degan orang umur 20++ memmbuatkan aku rasa diri sendiri tak matang?
And actually, what really defines mature? Apa yang anda tafsirkan sebagai matang?

These past few years, banyak sangat drama, with family, friends and everyone around tapi rasanya macam aku dah handle secara matang,some of it does crying consider matang?

But I've grow up. Daripada umur 17 ke 20. Ada benda yang aku rasa takkan pernah buat tapi dah buat. Benda yang aku rasa aku takkan mampu handle tapi aku dah handle pun.

Maybe without realizing it, aku dah matang,tapi sikit je la berbanding dulu,haha..

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Forgive

The longer you are with someone, you'll see even the bad sides of them, the bad sides that they never show to others..

Seriously,it was like the shocker of the day. I mean, I never got scolded like that,and that is from this friend.Never ever this person used that kind of language with me,even when I'm disturbing at a very busy time...
And after that I just cant sleep. And I think I fell asleep around 3 am in the morning and I wake up with a pounding in my head. And I even didnt went to the first class for today =_="
My mood is really bad today. In the evening, I got several Whatsapp messages, from this friend asking about things I asked for help ( that I got scolded for) and at first I didnt have the mood to reply the message because I'm too angry. I even erase the reply that I have send.

And at night, suddenly I forgive this friend already and have already reply the messages -serius lemah diri sendiri,apekah-

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Memang Tak Wajar

Sebagai seorang pelajar, memang lah tak wajar down lama-lama.
Hari tu, berskyeping dengan umi and abah,lebih sejam je lah. Tapi skype suara je. Malas nak on video sebab internet slow.
Dah lama sangat tak jumpa both of them. All of my siblings. Rasa homesick jugak kadang-kadang. Serius tak sabar nak balik,ya Allah..

Final lagi dua minggu T_T Rasa malas nak study sentiasa ada, mengalahkan rasa rajin tu. Apekah...
Dan dua tiga hari ni, banyak pulak Allah nak uji, nak cucuk-cucuk hati. Oh, ini memang payah. Kalau uji benda yang takde depan mata,tahan lagi. Yang mudah ada depan mata yang susah ni. Memang tercucuk jugak rasa =_=" Penat. Penat kot nak jaga hati. Padahal benda dah lepas. Tapi kalau terus macam ni sampai bila-bila pun takkan lepas.

Friday, April 27, 2012



there are always things you'll never have
and you have to accept that 
and let go

Dont Have to Read This

When i saw someone beautiful, I still feel insecure and ugly.
guess that is the effect for having pimple since the age of 10 and people keep telling you your face looks like kawah bulan
I dont know why but I'm insecure with myself. I never feel I'm beautiful. I've always feel I'm ugly, ordinary and have nothing special.
I mean, I'm not even superkind type (alim2), not even the beautiful type, I'm not even the friendly and nicest person you'll ever met. I'm not clever. I'm just the simple-not-even-girl-next-door type.
Maybe it's because the way the people define beautiful.

Beautiful is when you:

have fair skin (cerah la)
skinny (kurus)
have flawless skin (yg takde jerawat tu)
have a nice voice which i didnt even have
have a sweet smile
.................
.................

and the list goes on and on.

Sometimes I hate myself for even feeling like this.
I hate the way I always feel insecure.
The way I look at life and the way I judge it.
It feels like I'm not qualified for anything.

I hate that I have a complicated life. Which is full of dramas. And I just want to have ordinary family.

I dont like the way I sound so ungrateful.
I love my family and friends. And I DO LOVE my life.
I just...erm,maybe sometimes I just too stressed out.
I'm TIRED. TIRED to always makes myself feel better.
Sometimes I just wanna run away and cry.



-minta maaf tulis agak emo.hanya untuk lepaskan perasaan sendiri-


Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Cant I Turn It Around??



I mean,the world is round.
Everything work in cycle.
Cant I just turn this thing around??

What can I do to make the world a better place?
Where there is no war, no crime, no cry over such things

Saturday, April 21, 2012



writing is my second way of talking
second way of expressing my feelings
guess that much easily

Neraca Perhitungan Manusia






Perbualan satu petang antara dua rakan,yang kebetulan kedua-duanya memakai baju kurung dan bertudung labuh,Joyah dan Bedah sambil merefer kepada A yang memakai tudung tak berapa nak labuh;


"Eh, cuba kau tengok perempuan tu. Dia tu budak sekolah XXXXX kan. Dengar cerita budak sekolah tu semuanya alim-alim,yelah,sekolah agama kan. Tapi aku tengok budak tu, biasa-biasa je. Tudung takdelah labuh sangat. Baju pun selalu T-shirt dengan seluar je.Tak pernah nampak kat luar pakai baju kurung. Nampak sangat alim dekat sekolah je. Tu sebab sekolah wajibkan pakai tudung labuh la tu. Nampak sangat belajar ilmu tak melekat dekat hati," Kata Joyah kepada Bedah sambil menjeling-jeling menyampah dekat A.


"Itu baru yang kau nampak kat luar. Kau tak tau ke, dekat rumah dia tengok drama korea, drama orang putih. Dengar pun lagu Korea dengan lagu English je. Mana main dengar nasyid macam kita-kita ni. Tu lah namanya orang belajar demi exam, belajar agama banyak-banyak pun tak melekat dalam hati," Kata Bedah kepada Joyah sambil memandang sinis kepada A.

Ehem,berdehem kejap,sakit tekak :)
Orang alim semuanya pakai tudung labuh ke?
Orang alim semuanya pakai baju kurung sahaja ke?
Orang alim semuanya dengar nasyid sahaja ke?
Orang alim semuanya kena sekolah agama ke?
Orang alim tu tak boleh buat silap ke? Dah perfect sangat macam Nabi?
Dah perfect sangat sampai boleh menghukum orang lain??

Tu lah namanya neraca manusia.
Neraca yang sangatlah tak tepat, penuh dengan prasangka, penuh dengan hasad dengki, penuh dengan sangka buruk, penuh dengan tuduhan, penuh dengan hukuman, penuh dengan caci maki,penuh dengan segala pandangan keduniaan,penuh dengan pandangan pada material sahaja dan macam-macam lagi.

Allah ciptakan semua manusia unik dengan ciri-ciri dan keistimewaan masing-masing. Semua orang tak sama. Keluarga yang berbeza, pendidikan berbeza, latar hidup berbeza, persekitaran berbeza dan semua yang sewaktu dengannya. Jadi wajarkah kita yang juga merupakan seorang hamba, yang masih lemah dan banyak kekurangan, menghukum dan menilai orang lain berdasarkan apa yang kita lihat dan nampak di luar? Dengan neraca yang telah kita sendiri tetapkan.

Saya sendiri sebagai pelajar Timur Tengah kadang-kadang sudah muak dan jelik dengan neraca manusia-manusia sekeliling. Lagi-lagi bila saya belajar di universiti yang mana ramai pelajarnya mengambil bidang Syariah, yang mana sekeliling saya adalah biah solehah. Tapi apa gunanya biah solehah kalau orangnya tidak solehah??

Saya sendiri pernah melalui penilaian neraca manusia ni yang pada pandangan saya sangatlah kejam. Saya akui, saya banyak kelemahan. Saya mungkin sekolah agama, bila exam agama Mumtaz. Markah subjek-subjek agama jarang bawah 80. Tapi di luar sekolah, saya membawa karakteristik A di atas. Salah saya yang tidak mengambil ilmu yang saya belajar dengan hati. Itu benar. Saya belajar kerana nak exam. Jadi ilmu agama yang saya pelajari, tak terpancar pun dalam gaya hidup saya.

Tapi wajarkah orang sekeliling menghukum saya? Dan bukan hanya saya tujukan perkara ini kepada saya,refer pada saya seorang tapi orang-orang lain yang senasib dengan saya.

Dalam perjalanan setelah mendapat tarbiyyah, banyak saya belajar. Sungguh benar rasanya mujahadah dan mujadalah tu. Kadang-kadang rasa macam banyak kali tersungkur tapi saya tetap bersyukur Allah tak pernah lupakan saya. Sentiasa beri saya peluang :')

Kita melihat orang dari luaran, kita judge mereka dari luaran, pakaian, penampilan, muamalat mereka. Tapi kita tahu ke bagaimana kehidupan mereka di rumah? Kita tahu ke bagaimana parents mereka, keluarga mereka, rakan-rakan mereka? Semua tu banyak memberi kesan pada kehidupan seseorang. Dan paling penting, tahukah kita apa yang ada di dalam hati mereka? Mana tahu, dalam hati mereka, mereka sedang melalui keperitan, kesusahan untuk berubah menjadi hamba yang lebih taat dan patuh,menjadi insan yang lebih baik.

Manusia, iman kita memang sentiasa naik dan turun. Kita bukannya malaikat yang imannya statik sahaja. Ada hari iman kita tinggi, mungkin ibadah kita lebih, mungkin baju kita lebih besar daripada biasa, mungkin tudung lebih labuh dan bila iman turun, mungkin sebaliknya yang kita buat. Tapi wajarke kita tegur atau perli orang tu? Contohnya macam yang saya sendiri pernah lalui;

"Kenapa hari ni tudung kau lain sikit? Pendek betul aku tengok. Tudung balad tu ke? Selalu tengok pakai tudung besar je. Hari ni pulak jadi pendek."

Boleh ke tegur dengan cara macam tu? Berhemah ke? Kalau kita nampak pada suatu hari tu, tindakan orang tu berlainan dari biasa, macam tudung tu, sangka baik lah. Mana kita tahu apa dalam hati mereka. Mana kita tahu, mungkin pada waktu itu, diri orang itu sendiri sedang penat bermujahadah
-tudung saya itu tidaklah pendek.menutup sahaja dada dan saya tidak simpang pun tudung tu kerana risau nampak pendek.tapi rakan ni,bagi dia,tudung hanya labuh bila dah sampai ke punggung,bila hadapan labuh sampai ke melebihi pinggang.mungkin pada dia,tudung saya masih tidak cukup syarat,wallahualam-

Sentiasa sangka baik pada orang lain. Semua orang ada kesusahan masing-masing. Muajahadah setiap orang berbeza. Jangan hanya kerana kita sekolah agama,pakai tudung labuh kita dah rasa diri kita lebih baik dan lebih alim daripada orang lain.

Orang pakai tudung labuh semuanya dah perfect ke? Orang pakai baju kurung semuanya dah perfect ke? Tak buat dosa,LANSUNG???

Ramai sahaja yang saya lihat, akhlaknya tak seindah tudungnya yang labuh. Pergaulannya dengan berlainan jantina, lebih teruk dan adakalanya macam orang tak tahu batas pergaulan,astaghfirullah...Tapi saya sendiri tak  mahu menjadi orang yang judgement, saya anggap, mungkin waktu itu imannya sedang kurang. Mujahadahnya menemui jalan yang payah. Saya hanya mampu doa orang itu sedar akan salahnya dan berubah.

Perkara ni sama sahaja pada kaum lelaki, bukan kaum wanita je. Tak semua yang pakai jubah tu baik, tak semua yang pakai serban tu baik. Tak semua yang main bola jahat, tak semua yang main game jahat.

Daripada kita sibuk menghukum, apa salahnya kita mendekati individu-individu yang sibuk kita hukum tu, ajak mereka sama-sama kembali pada Allah? Tegur mereka dengan hikmah. Sebelum tegur tu, bina hubungan dan ukhuwwah baik dengan mereka dulu. Jangan main terjah tegur. Nanti makin lari pula orang tu. Kata nak masuk syurga. Takkan nak duduk syurga sorang-sorang??
Tariklah tangan sahabat kita bersama, keluarga kita, orang-orang di sekeliling kita.

Hanya Allah yang layak menilai dan menghukum hamba-hambaNya. Neraca Allah lah yang paling tepat dan mustahil silap. Semoga segala yang kita buat berada di neraca yang diredhai Allah. Biarlah manusia dengan neraca dan nilaian mereka. Neraca manusia takkan pernah sama dengan neraca Allah.

Akhir kata, yang baik daripada Allah, yang kurang adalah daripada kelemahan diri saya yang masih banyak kekurangan ni. Saya sendiri cuba menghindarkan diri daripada sifat-sifat judgmental dan suka menghukum ni. Moga ALLAH permudahkan. Moga ALLAH redha dengan kehidupan kita. Wallahualam...

Kelam Kabut

Tiba-tiba Blogger tukar layout baru untuk Dashboard. Serius serabut =_="
Nak tulis post baru pun macam pelik, ambik masa nak cari butang untuk taip post tu je -double sigh-
Kelam kabut. Definite word to describe everything now. Rasa macam for a while, everything is tumbling over. Penat, bukan setakat dengan exam tapi dengan berjuta benda yang lain...

Hmmm... Bukan setakat PERMAI je kena muhasabah ni,aku pun kena muhasabah,lebih...Lebih daripada biasa..

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Seronok

Bila tiba-tiba dikunjungi sorang akak senior, yang rasanya agak qawiyy dalam tarbiyyah ni. Dan bila sambil makan-makan buat sharing-sharing,rasa best sangat. Walaupun bukanlah sharing apa sangat,bukan secara formal pun tapi terasa kefahaman semakin bertambah. Rasa semakin semangat pulak. Dalam keadaan penat-penat ni,bila dah dapat lebih pemahaman, baru terasa lebih bersemangat untuk terus kuat,kuat atas jalan ni :)

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Malu Tiba-Tiba

Sebab rasanya macam banyak tulis benda yang emo dan tak berfaedah?? =_="
Minta maaf semua,mungkin hormon tak menentu,huhu..

Esok exam Muhasabah Muassasat Maliah,lusa exam Maharat Maklumat. Takut sebab banyak sangat tak faham (yang madah akaun tu la).

Dah semakin kurang sharing-sharing ayat Al-Quran sekarang. Diri sendiri dah banyak lalai sangat ni, astaghfirullah... Kuatkan mujahadah, banyakkan muhasabah...

Wassalam...


-when a certain doctor change profile picture to the one of that doctor in the uniform XD tak boleh puji selalu ni-
Made a wrong turn once or twice. 
Dug my way out,  
blood and fire.  
Bad decisions, that's alright.  
Welcome to my silly life.  
Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood!  
Miss "No way,It's all good", 
it didn't slow me down  
Mistaken, 
always second guessing, underestimated!  
Look, I'm still around...


i'll stay strong till the end, i wont move
throw anything my way
i'm stronger than any of you think :) 

 

Saturday, April 14, 2012

When I'm quiet, that means I'm TOTALLY pissed off or I'm totally sad like crazy or I'm pissed off with myself.
I'm rarely quiet, I'm always loud and noisy so sometimes when I'm quiet, I surprised even myself, at the condition of how quiet I can be. When I'm thinking about something deeply, I tend to be quiet. When I'm angry, I'll stay quiet and I dont even want to see the face of the person who makes me angry. When I'm hurt with someone's words or actions, I'll stay quiet because I'm afraid I'll never be able to forgive them. When I make someone angry, I'll stay quiet or I'll start thinking of all bad things that person have done and how I easily forgive and forget them and how that person never done the same for me. 

I'm easy to read, like an open book

Tolong Diam dan Senyap



Kadang-kadang, mulut orang memang tak reti untuk berhenti bercakap. Terutamanya pada benda yang tiada kaitan dengan dorang. Yang tak sukanya, bila di hadapan orang yang dikata tu, diam seribu bahasa, bila orang dah tiada, sibuk pulak mengata tindakannya. Hmmm...

Biasa dah jadi.. Jadi anggap tiada apa-apalah. Tu kot beza aku dengan orang. Aku tak puas hati, aku cakap terus. Walaupun mungkin orang tu yang terasa. Tapi berbanding orang yang kata belakang-belakang ni, memang tak patut la.

Kalau rasa orang tu buat salah (aku lah tu) cakap je depan-depan. Tegur dengan cara baiklah. Bukannya dengan cara yang kasar. Contoh cara kasar:

"Hanum,aku tak puas hati lah dengan kau. Dulu kau cakap A, lepas tu B. Kau ni memang lah. Bilalah nak berubah. Perangai dari dulu sampai sekarang sama je"

Kalau cakap macam tu, memang sampai bila-bila aku takkan cakap dengan orang tu dah. Sebenarnya semua orang (even aku) ok je untuk ditegur. Tapi dengan cara yang baik la, berakhlak, beradab. Nabi Muhammad pun pernah menegur tapi dengan cara yang betul la. Aku pernah ditegur oleh seorang classmates time sekolah menengah pasal kata-kata aku yang tajam dan dia terasa. Alhamdulillah, nasib baik la kawan ni tegur kalau tak sampai bila-bila aku tak perasan.

Dan yang pentingnya, jangan lah mengata sesuatu yang kita tak puas hati dengan orang tu belakang-belakang, cerita dekat orang lain lepas tu tuan punya badan terdengar dari orang lain. Lagi sakit hati tahu??!

Ehem, sebagai insan yang lemah lagi banyak kelemahan ni, aku nak mintak maaf dekat semua orang yang mengenali aku kalau-kalau aku pernah buat salah, tanpa sedar ataupun time sedar. Kalau ada salah aku pada korang, bagi tahu lah. Memang kalau aku tak sedar, aku mintak maaf. Aku bukanlah jenis yang ego untuk meminta maaf dan memaafkan,insyaAllah..

"Orang yang mengumpat walaupun dah bertaubat, akan menjadi orang terakhir yang masuk syurga. Dan orang yang tak bertaubat akan menjadi orang terawal masuk neraka"


يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا اجْتَنِبُوا كَثِيرًا مِنَ الظَّنِّ إِنَّ بَعْضَ الظَّنِّ إِثْمٌ ۖ وَلَا تَجَسَّسُوا وَلَا يَغْتَبْ بَعْضُكُمْ بَعْضًا ۚ أَيُحِبُّ أَحَدُكُمْ أَنْ يَأْكُلَ لَحْمَ أَخِيهِ 
مَيْتًا فَكَرِهْتُمُوهُ ۚ وَاتَّقُوا اللَّهَ ۚ إِنَّ اللَّهَ تَوَّابٌ رَحِيمٌ
 
"O believers! Avoid immoderate suspicion, for in some cases suspicion is a sin. Do not spy on one another, nor backbite one another (to say something about another behind ones back that if one hears it, dislikes it). Would any of you like to eat the flesh of his dead brother? Surely you would abhor it. Fear Allah; for Allah is the Accepter of repentance, Merciful." 49:12

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Syukur Beribu Kali Syukur

Alhamdulillah,,, Alhamdulillah.. Ternyata Allah uji hamba-hambaNya bersebab sebab bila dah diuji ni lah, baru tergesa-gesa dan resah-gelisah mencari Allah, baru lah lebih banyak ingat pada Allah, barulah nak sibuk memuhasabah kesilapan diri sendiri.

Alhamdulillah, time first exam hari tu, sangat kecewa dengan satu madah ni, tapi ternyata Allah Maha Adil, DIA tolong untuk second exam ni, alhamdulillah.. Bagus jugak diuji. Time down dapat markah sikit hari tu, memang banyak memuhasabah diri balik, mana yang silap, mana yang kurang dekat diri sendiri.

Malu dengan Allah, selalu memberi pada hambaNya, yang lemah macam aku, yang banyak buat dosa. Yang selalu tak tahu malu nak terus-terusan meminta-minta (mata pedih kejap.eh...)




فَاذْكُرُونِي أَذْكُرْكُمْ وَاشْكُرُوا لِي وَلَا تَكْفُرُونِ
 
Therefore, remember Me, and I will remember you, be grateful to Me and never deny Me.
2:152

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Aku Berubah Kerana Allah atau Kerana Tarbiyyah??





Dah beberapa hari berfikir. Semakin dalam berfikir, bila diri sibuk muhasabah, kenapa masih tak nampak perubahan membina dalam diri? Mujahadah, semakin lama semakin terasa sukar. Perangai-perangai dan perbuatan buruk yang cuba ditinggalkan, lagi-lagi sejak terjun ke dunia tarbiyah, pun terasa makin sukar. Semakin sedih bila semakin banyak pula jahiliyyah yang datang :'(

Bila muhasabah kembali,saya mula terfikir, mungkinkah semua ni terjadi kerana saya berubah bukan dengan niat yang betul? Berubah atas nama, saya sudah join gerabak tarbiyyah, saya telah didedahkan dengan jahiliyyah. Saya sudah menjadi orang baru. Daripada tidak tahu kepada tahu, Kalau dah tahu, mana mungkin saya masih tegar melakukan jahiliyyah dengan segan silu di hadapan Allah? Ish2 (geleng kepala)

Di zaman muda mudi, riang ria gembira bagai kanak-kanak ribena, memang tidak terlalu terasa bersalah dengan jahiliyyah diri. Ada sesetengah jahiliyyah tu,saya tidak tahu pun adalah jahiliyyah. Saya senitasa ingat ia adalah sesuatu yang biasa, sesuatu yang semua orang lakukan, astaghfirullah....

Apatah lagi, diri sendiri ada banyak sejarah dengan tarbiyyah. Awal-awalnya, tarbiyyah yang saya dapat langsung tak mampu menyedarkan saya dari lena yang panjang. Langsung tidak terasa kemanisan ukhuwwah, langsung tidak terasa keinginan ingin berubah,langsung tidak terasa keinginan untuk bergerak lebih jauh di masa hadapan memegang bulatan gembira sendiri. Senang kata, tarbiyyah yang diterima tidak membasahkan jiwa.

Tapi Allah maha kuasa, berkat izin dariNya, saya diperkenalkan dengan tarbiyyah lagi sekali, dengan wasilah berbeza tapi yang benar-benar menyentuh hati,membasahkan jiwa. Baru terasa indah ukhuwwah atas jalan yang sama, baru berjumpa teman menangis bersama mengenangkan perjalanan diri yang masih jauh :') Allah temukan diri ini dengan tarbiyyah yang lebih indah di situ.

Semakin lama dalam tarbiyyah, mestilah saya ingin lihat diri saya yang jauh lebih baik daripada dahulu. Mungkin dari segi luaran dan amalan, sudah banyak yang berubah, alhamdulillah.. Tapi dari segi dalaman dan jahiliyyah-jahiliyyah tegar, kenapa susah sangat ingin ditinggalkan?

Ada satu masa,saya keliru. Untuk apa dan untuk siapa saya berubah? Betul-betul kerana Allah ke? Atau pun kerana keadaan diri, mengenangkan diri dalam tarbiyyah dan semua orang ingin berubah, semua orang sudah jauh melangkah jadi saya yang masih jauh di belakang, terkial-kial ingin berlari mengejar mereka di hadapan.

Adakalanya terasa bagaikan Allah ingin menguji dengan keazaman diri. Jahiliyyah yang ingin ditinggalkan makin kerap muncul, makin kerap menggoda diri supaya kembali hanyut. Sampai satu tahap, terasa ingin menangis air mata darah, mengenangkan dosa-dosa yang tidak tahu sudah berapa banyak dikumpul.

Terasa malu dengan Allah, malu dengan orang sekeliling, malu dengan rakan-rakan bulatan gembira, malu dengan naqibah. Terasa diri hanya baik di luaran. Malu dengan Allah, kerana diri ini masih terus-terusan diberi nikmat olehnya, sedangkan dalam masa yang sama, masih tak jauh perubahan diri. Terasa mujahadah tak pernah cukup, terasa diri tak berusaha.

Mungkinkah susah perubahan ini kerana niat yang tak betul? Kerana tarbiyyah dan bukannya kerana Allah? Sempat saya ajukan soalan kepada housemate yang turut berada di jalan tarbiyyah. Housemate yang sangat saya hormati dalam diam kerana dirinya yang mengajak saya terus berada di jalan tarbiyyah.Menurut dia, normal lah jika pada awalnya saya mungkin terasa ingin berubah kerana sudah mendapat tarbiyyah. Tapi lama-kelamaan, saya sendiri akan sandarkan mujahadah itu pada Allah. Sering dia ulangi, yang Allah pandang adalah usaha mujahadah kita dan bukanlah hasilnya semata-mata (mengalir air mata)

Puas saya bermuhasabah diri. Dan tak putus-putus saya panjatkan doa, agar sentiasa betul niat saya ingin berubah keranaNya, agar sentiasa dipermudahkan jalan, agar dikuatkan hati untuk terus thabat. Risau dosa yang banyak menghalang diri dari terus thabat :( Doa saya juga turut mengiringi rakan-rakan seperjuangan di atas jalan yang sumpah osem dan susah ini. Moga Allah terus mempertautkan hati-hati kita, semoga diberi kekuatan untuk diri kita masing-masing untuk terus thabat, terus kuat menghadapi badai ujian dunia.

Yang baik daripada Allah, yang lemah adalah kelemahan diri saya sendiri. Bersyukurlah kerana kita dipilih berada di jalan ini. Dan yakin semua yang terjadi ada hikmah di sebaliknya. :)

Friday, April 6, 2012

making memories

everyday that passed by,what have passed will never come back
but still,it'll stay forever somewhere,and we will always remember it

it's something called memories.
the good ones make us smile everytime
the bad ones will always make us feel sad 
but it's the one we rarely forget
because it's the one that taught us to be better
make us the person we are right now

memories,not too bad too have
but too precious too lose
because you are the only one that can hold on to it :)

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

there are things that cannot be say by words
but can be seen by action

there are things that are so precious,but easily broken
there are things that you love but you will never have
things that you want but you can only see
people you miss but you can only counting days to meet them

things that are called as relationship
relationship with family,friends
and everyone around

Fikir Panjang

Kebetulan lepas maghrib tadi ada senior datang singgah rumah,Kak Hasna',nak ambil tiket flight dia. Dah alang2 datang jauh,borak-borak la kejap. Konon nak kejap tapi lama-lama dah jadi macam halaqah pulak :D Thanks Kak Hasna' dengan perkongsian yang sangat membuka fikiran,menambahkan maklumat dan memberi pengajaran tu ^__^

Bila dah borak2 panjang,banyak topik ni,memang banyak la yang aku terfikir. Banyak benda yang dimuhasabah dari setiap sudut. Banyak benda yang aku sedar, kesilapan yang aku pernah buat. Serius rasa sangat tak matang bila deal dengan problem. Aku memang x pandai nak hadapi masalah dan sometimes aku lagi senang lari dari masalah tu. Dalam banyak benda la.

Dan aku takut hadapi kenyataan, takut apa yang kita tahu,lagi baik tak tahu daripada tahu. Jadi sekarang, bila semakin banyak tarbiyyah yang kita dapat,lagi besar mujahadah diri tu. Memang terasa lemah. Jahiliyyah masa muda banyak sangat. yang sekarang pun banyak jugak :(

Lagi lama,lagi banyak problem. Lagi banyak nak kena decide.Rasa sometimes nak letak semua benda on hold kejap,boleh tak?

Monday, April 2, 2012

Guilty As Ever

My lazy self couldnt find anything good to do sometimes. Yes, I'm lazy.

I'm feeling guilty for keep on doing the same things I have told myself not to do. It's like,the more I tried, it gets harder and the thing is calling for me more =_=" -the hardness of mujahadah-

I'm just hoping that Allah will continue giving me strength. I'm not strong. And I'm feeling extremely weak.



ps: last contact,27/4.almost a week already.try better!

Saturday, March 31, 2012

Choices








In life,there are always several choices that you have to made.Sometimes you happy that you've made that decisions and sometimes you regret it.That's part of the journey.

Sometimes, when you have walked past all the choices that you've made,you'll look back and you'll think  back about all the reasons,the factors that lead you to make that decisions. As for me, the factors are many, some are because of my beloved ones (parents,family,friends,etc) and of course,because of Allah,surroundings play an important role too.

After two years in Jordan, I still cannot say whether I regret or happy that I've made the decision. I'm grateful for the fact that by going here, I've changed for better in many kind of ways, I've learned so many things I never even thinking of, I've got so many wonderful friends, have many wonderful memories, have the opportunity to visit so many countries already,have found tarbiyyah that indeed,something really valuable for me.

But by going here,there are several things I've come to regret I've done it. Let's just keep it to myself ^__^ I've done several things that I hope I can just turn back the time so it will never happened. Things that you never even imagine yourself doing it. Several things that make me sort of cries for days. Indeed, they are all valuable lessons. I've learned a lot from it.

There are positive and negative side and effect from my decision of going to Jordan. Alhamdulillah, I also learned how to let go,of things I thought I need to continue living ( haha, need? funny. I dont die even without it ) so that's life. I dont want to make choice, it was hard and painful. But in order to continue life, choices need to be done.

ps: if things dont change, I'll never make this choice. but things change, people change. sometimes we wonder, do people changed because of their surrounding or because of the years that gone by? and sometimes i felt like I'm the only one left behind :(

Second Exam,Bismillah...

Yes,second exam will start,tomorrow.And yes,me,being me,is still lazying around after I've got my internet line back (happily and sadly because there is still 20 pages to study 0_o ).

Many things happened during first exam ( and I felt like crying a lot sometimes ) but being me, the hard-to-show-emotion-type-of-person, yes, I'm just acting normal :)

I need to do better. I can do better. I need to stop thinking things that are not the supposedly priority right now. I've more to think. I need to do more. I need to be closer to Allah MORE! :(

New determination, always everytime but still I'm doing the same..

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Sahabat dan Exam

Sahabat,rasanya tak perlu elaborate panjang2 kot. Senang cakap,siapa yang ada kawan yang dia anggap sebagai sahabat,maka secara tak rasminya,memang orang tu lah sahabat dia. As for me, I'm flexible. Tengok keadaan. Ada time aku rapat dengan A, sometimes dengan B, sometimes dengan C. Aku okay je dengan semua orang.

Kenapa tiba2 sebut pasal exam? Apa kaitan sahabat,dengan exam kan? Aku sekarang dah masuk tahun 2. Tapi aku tengok masih ada 1 benda tak berubah. Tabiat orang sekeliling aku, yang suka tengok/sebar/cerita/ambik tahu markah exam aku. Macam seriously, tolonglah, markah aku biasa2 je. Aku rasa aku normal macam orang lain. Pernah je dapat markah 60+ untuk satu madah. Pernah je time exam,dapat 9/20. Pernah je menangis time call mak sebab dalam ramai2 budak Melayu yang ambik madah yang sama,aku sorang je dapat bwh 10,orang lain dapat 15/20 atau 16/20.

Mungkinkah sebab aku budak tajaan,maka tendency orang untuk ambik tahu ternyata berkali gandanya?Kalau just ambik tahu dan senyap2 sendiri takpe jugak, tak ambik kesah pun, aku pun tak tahu. Tapi mak pantang kalau orang buat cerita,orang bergosip, orang bercerita pumpang pumpang sana sini benda tak benar. Dan tiba2,ada kawan yang...erk...terasa =_="

Dalam bersahabat,memang aku banyak je pernah buat salah dekat each one of my friends. Pernah je aku terguriskan hati dorang,termarah dorang,terbuat dorang rasa annoying sangat2 dengan aku,buat dorang kecik hati,buat dorang marah dan macam2 lagi la.Dan aku memang rasa bersalah pun.Dan lately mskin kuat rasa bersalah lagi2 bila dah jadi macam ni.

Senang cerita,disebabkan orang yang terlalu mengambil tahu pasal markah exam/muaddal aku telah menyebabkan timbul salah faham sikit.Huh,annoying2.Dah lama sabar.Aku memang rasa bersalah dekat kawan aku dan aku mintak maaf banyak2.Aku banyak buat silap. Tak dinafikan.

Dan tolonglah,stop spreading wrong news. Stop spreading rumors. Dosa tahu cerita pasal orang lain, sampai buat orang salah faham semua :( Aku nak jaga hati semua orang. Jadi someone else, tolong jaga hati aku jugak yer ^^

Friday, March 23, 2012

It's Enough To Have...



ALLAH

Yes, it's enough if we have Him, if we remember Him everyday, every seconds of our life.
Because the truth is, He doesnt need us. We are the one who need Him.
And without realizing, we are the one who keep forgetting Him and only find Him whenever we faced a hardtimes. Do we find Him when we are getting something good? Sometimes, we tend to forget. I tend to forget. I tend to forget to say Alhamdullillah when getting something and saying Innalillah when I'm faced with hardships. But in the end, I'm always the one that keep going back to Him, finding Him when I'm troubled. And yes, He is always there :)

Spread your LOVE to Him, the one and only creator, the one who gives us everything we have today.


يَا أَيُّهَا النَّاسُ أَنْتُمُ الْفُقَرَاءُ إِلَى اللَّهِ ۖ وَاللَّهُ هُوَ الْغَنِيُّ الْحَمِيدُ
O men! It is you who stand in need of God, whereas He alone is self-sufficient, the One to whom all praise is due.
35:15

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Yakin

Macam mana mahu yakin, yakin dengan sesuatu yang kita kena buat?
Yakin dengan keputusan yang kita ambil?
Macam mana mahu yakin???!!!

-Lepas takut lari, dicari takut semakin tak jadi-

Banyak benda kena fikir. Banyak benda kena diambil kira..
Sometimes we just dont want to sacrifice, especially if there are so much to lost.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Pushing Myself to The Limits





Assalamualaikum and hello there.
Yes, I know I've been gloomy and kinda down lately but alhamdulillah, I'm slowly trying to raise my spirit up again,yay! The keypoint to solve a breakdown or such things is by making yourself closer to Allah. Remember Him in everything you do. Try to find Him when you have problems because He is always there for you. Rely on Him and tell Him your problems. He listen to all of it and insyaAllah, by doing that, ypu'll feel a lot better :)

I'm now, a student at Yarmouk University Jordan, majoring in Economics and Islamic Banking under Syariah's Faculty. I'm currently in my second year right now, have passed all the ups and downs as a first year ( which are quite hard because I need to deal with a major homesickness like crazy,problems in study like trying to understand what my lecturers are actually saying,trying to find the best method to study,yada yada etc) and you might think I'm sailing on a cruise with my study now, what with being a senior (  even just a second year :P ) and being a scorer ( whatever.i'm not.dont know how to say it to others) , it's not actually. I think the road is more bumpy now and the truth is, I dont even know what path I should be walking on :(

After listening to the talk from Dr. Akram this evening ( it was great! an aye opener for someone who doesnt like to read newspaper or things about Islamic Banking that much =_=' major slaps to my own face) I start to think, what actually I want to be in the future?

To be frank, I dont even like this course that much. I took this course because it came with the scholarship and I desperately need it. I'm not from a rich family and what with my dad already retired right now and he has almost six more children to feed, I dont want to be a burden to him. And my dad always said how he wants to see his child furthering his/her study in the Middle East and the opportunity is right in front of my eyes! So yeah, I grab it (even with a reluctant heart) and pray to Allah that I've made the right decision.

I like accounting. No,stop. Not true. I LOVE accounting! I've always plan to take accounting and after I finished my degree, I want to further my study in the professional field. That is my dream. No, that WAS my dream. It's been crushed down now. I've always got a good result in accounting even with my low skills in Math. I never ever got even B.

So, that's why at first, I'm pushing myself like crazy at Jordan. I've tried my best to like the course I'm taking right now. But first year is so hard. I cried so many times, wanting to go back home and just take the course I really like. I dont even know why I'm choosing this road. When things get hard, giving up seems like the only option.

But unexpectedly, I CAN DO IT ACTUALLY. I've finished my first year with rather a good result. And I even think, it's not that hard anymore. After being in second year, things really do get easier. But still, I dont know what I wanna do in the future. What field I'm gonna be working after finishing my study.

Back to the topic, after listening to the talk from Dr. Akram, he said that there is not enough human resources in Islamic Banking field. And then, one of my senior ask about Syariah Auditing. And I was like, seeing the light for the first time! Auditing is part of accounting! And yes, I do want to be an auditor ( one of my biggest dream ever! ) so I've started to think, what if I want to be a Syariah Auditor? There is no one working as Syariah Auditor because it's hard enough to be an auditor. I'm not really sure if I really want to go down that path because even now, I'm not sure with so many things.

I dont hate Islamic Banking. I'm starting to love it! I also like Economics and I'm really interested with the capital market, Islamic Capital Market ( for sukuk ) seems more interesting to me so I'm not sure if I want to go that path. But at least, I've set my mind on something. Yay! I'm feeling good already by writing all of these down here :)

I'm not the most positive person in the world. I've feelings. Sometimes I feel happy, sad, down, tired and sometimes I've also feel like giving up and just want to pack my bag and go home ( what a nice thought) but no, I dont want to do that. I have Allah. And I believe everything happened for a reason. I believe there is reason why he makes me go down this path. He knows that I can do it. He knows that this is the best for me. And I'm believing in Him! I believe in Him, the best planner in this whole world!

When you are not sure, find Him, find ALLAH, He knows what's best. I'm not sure myself. But I never give up on Him. I know He will guide me, through this journey ^__^

I want to try my best for Him, for my parent, for my family, for Islam, for ummah..


اللَّهُ يَبْسُطُ الرِّزْقَ لِمَنْ يَشَاءُ مِنْ عِبَادِهِ وَيَقْدِرُ لَهُ ۚ إِنَّ اللَّهَ بِكُلِّ شَيْءٍ عَلِيمٌ
 
Allah enlarges the sustenance (which He gives) to whichever of His servants He pleases; and He (similarly) grants by (strict) measure (as He pleases): for Allah has full knowledge of all things.
Al Ankabut 29:62

Thursday, March 15, 2012

I'm Thinking Of...

Privating my blog.I feel like what I write is not,hurmm...how should I say it,not giving benefits to anyone?And yes,I'm feeling rather down lately and I dont have a place to write it down.I dont want to write all my miseries (cough,miseries?Haha..More like problems) for others to read.

The truth is, I dont like my conditions right now.I'm not in my completely hundred percents sound and healthy mind.I'm just going around without full motives.

This sem is really hard for me.I've learnt the pain of getting a very BAD marks,pain of letting go,pain of just keeping everything inside,pain of always feeling inferior of myself.I need to find myself.And I need to do it as soon as possible.

I watched around and everyone is moving forward, very fast and it feels like I'm the only one left behind. I dont do things that come straight from my heart anymore. I dont even know,what I'm feeling right now.

I'll turn to ALLAH.HE knows the answer to everything.HE will cures my heart,my problem.And I'll be fine,insyaALLAH.I just need some times,to be alone.

:)

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Pandang Pada Kebaikan

Sebagai student dekat Jordan ni,time tahun pertama memang kitorang akan duduk dekat sakan (asrama) dengan semua student first year yang lain.Time first year dulu,kitorang budak JPA duduk asrama yang sama dan budak MARA pun duduk sakan yang sama.Macam tu jugak student tajaan JAIS dan lain-lain.

Dulu first year,rasa memamng heaven la.Yer la,duduk sakan.Semua dah complete ada.Lepas tu tak payah risau dengan masalah takde air,masalah bil air yang melambung ke.Sakan pun dah complete dengan central heater.Memang tak sejuk sangat pun masa musim winter.

Naik second year,kena duduk luar,kena la bagi laluan dekat student first year kan.So beberapa bulan before balik Malaysia dan tamat pengajian sem tu,bermulalah proses pencarian rumah.Tapi before cari rumah,kena la decide housemates dulu kan.Awal-awal tu,nak cari housemates pun macam susah jugak.Macam-macam problem timbul tapi alhamdulillah dapat selesaikan dengan baik :)

Bila dah jumpa rumah,cari perabot pulak,pindahkan barang masuk rumah baru pulak.After balik bercuti dari Malaysia,terus duduk rumah baru.Sekarang,dah 6 bulan duduk bersama housemates,Hidayah dan Mardiana.Kitorang memang semua tak pernah duduk sekali.Kira first time duduk bersama.Banyak yang kitorang dah belajar time duduk bersama ni.

Duduk ok je ke?Tak pernah bergaduh?Haha,tipu la kalau tak pernah bergaduh,bertikam lidah or terjadi salah faham tu.Tapi tak pernah la terlalu besar sampai menjejaskan ukhuwwah kami ^__^

Ada orang cakap,bila dah duduk bersama,baru nampak perangai baik buruk orang.Macam aku sendiri,aku rasa dah banyak perangai buruk aku yang tertonjol depan housemates aku ni.Huhu..Bagi pihak aku sendiri,aku lagi suka mengingat kebaikan orang daripada keburukan dia.Sebab semua orang ada kelemahan.Aku sendiri pun ada kelemahan dan aku bersyukur ada housemates yang sudi tegur.

Walaupun tak pernah cakap depan-depan,tapi kat sini aku nak nukilkan perasaan aku pada housemates aku;

Alhamdulillah,aku bersyukur pada ALLAH sebbab dikurniakan korang berdua sebagai housemates aku.Aku tahu,aku banyak je buat silap :( Dan mungkin aku pernah buat benda yang korang tak suka,pernah buat korang marah,terasa,berkecil hati ke.Tapi aku bersyukur korang accept aku seadanya.Sudi dengar time aku mengadu masalah,cerita aku.Aku bersyukur dapat housemates yang pandai masak dan cantik *haha*,yang sudi tegur time aku buat silap,yang tak berkira dengan aku,yang selalu ingatkan aku tentang urusan rumah yang aku kena buat,yang ajar aku masak dan banyak benda baru yang lain,bagi semangat,ajak aku buat benda-benda baik,kuatkan semangat aku dalam tarbiyyah dan macam-macam lagi la.Banyak sangat kot kebaikan korang.Nak tulis pun rasa banyak sangat.

Jadi ingatlah,janganlah asyik nak judge orang dengan kesilapan yang dorang buat,semua orang buat silap.Diri kita sendiri pun tak perfect kan.Tapi kita appreciate orang dengan kebaikan yang mereka buat :)

That's all for now,need to get ready to go out :D

ALL mistakes up there comes from me.Semua yang baik dari ALLAH,yang kurang adalah kelemahan aku sendiri..

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Konsep Redha

Pernah tak korang dilanda ujian dan musibah?
Ditimpa masalah yang x sudah-sudah?Mesti pernah kan.Itu sudah pasti.
Kalau tak diuji,takkan sempurana la iman kita sebenarnya.

Lain orang lain ujiannya.Ingat lagi aku pernah bertanya umi,menyuarakan ketidakpuasan hati aku,tengok Si A,sudahlah keluarganya kaya-raya,dia pandai,cantik,disukai ramai lagi.Kenapa ada orang seperti itu dan ada orang seperti aku?

Bukanlah nak merendahkan diri sendiri tapi tidak banyak pun yang aku miliki.Apa yang orang lihat dari luaran,itulah diri aku yang sememangnya tak perfect ni.

Tapi umi selalu cakap,jangan bandingkan diri kita dengan orang lain sampai ke tahap yang kita tidak bersyukur dengan apa yang ALLAH beri.Amalkan konsep redha.Bersyukur dengan apa yang kita ada tapi dalam masa yang sama sentiasa berusaa menjadi insan yang lebih baik.

Bila ditimpa ujian dan musibah,cuba lah muhasabah kembali kehidupan kita seharian.Mungkin banyak yang silap disitu.Sebab itu ALLAH berikan ujian supaya kita sedar dan lebih bersyukur,lebih berusaha memperbaiki diri.

Adakalanya kita diberi nikmat dan kita sering terleka bila diberi nikmat sampaikan terlalai dari mengingati ALLAH.Dan kemudian ALLAH tarik kembali nikmat tu,baru lah kita tersedar bagaikan ditampar angin Laut China Selatan akan kealpaan diri sendiri.

Redha..Redha bila diberi ujian,redha bila nikmat ditarik.Redha dengan ketentuan dan pelaksanaan ALLAH.Nampak mudah,tapi yakin ke kita boleh laksanakan??

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Tolong Ingatkan Saya

 Picture credit to a very nice friend from Korea,syukran :)
May u have a nice bulatan gembira there!



Saya adalah seorang hamba.Dan pada waktu yang sama saya adalah seorang manusia.
Sebagai seorang manusia,saya rasa saya dah banyak tersasar daripada tanggungjawab saya sebagai hamba,hamba bukan kepada sebarangan mahkluk tetapi hamba kepada ALLAH.

Sebagai hamba,mestilah saya kena patuh kepada segala perintah dan larangan tuan saya.
Tuan saya dah jaga saya dengan baik,bagi saya keluarga,rakan-rakan,makanan dan minuman,pakaian,tempat tinggal,pendidikan dan semua benda yang saya ada sekarang ni.Tuan saya adalah tuan paling baik.Dia sangat sayangkan saya.Kalau dia tak sayangkan saya,mestilah dia akan tarik semua benda tu kan?

Tapi kenapa,saya sebagai hamba,tak melaksanakan tanggungjawab saya sepenuhnya sebagai hamba?Saya sayang tuan saya,lebih dari segala-galanya.Tapi saya masih buat tuan saya murka.Saya takut sangat kalau-kalau satu hari nanti tuan saya dah tak ambil peduli dengan saya,terus tinggalkan saya selama-lamanya.Saya takut sangat kalau tuan saya sangat marah dengan saya dan tak nak ampunkan kesalahan saya.

Saya dah banyak buat silap,bukan dengan tuan saya,ALLAH sahaja tapi dengan orang lain sekeliling saya.Tuan saya ciptakan saya,dia mintak saya buat dua benda je,jadi khalifah dan beribadah kepada dia.Tapi kenapa dua benda yang simple tu pun susah saya nak tunaikan?Sedangkan bila saya mintak macam-macam daripada tuan saya,dia bagi je.Saya yang malu dengan tuan saya tu.

Hamba lain yang bergelar manusia,tolong ingatkan saya.Bila saya terlalai dan terleka dari tanggungjawab saya sebagai hamba.Kita semua hamba kan.Saya nak kita semua sama-sama ke syurgaNya,saya takut ke neraka.Saya tak nak jadi umat yang tuan saya tak sayang lagi,umat yang dibenci.Saya sering terlupa dengan tanggungjawab,terlupa untuk bersyukur.Jadi tolong ingatkan saya.Tarik saya bersama anda ke arah kebaikan.Takkan nak masuk syurga sorang-sorang?Semoga kita semua beramai-ramai,berpegangan tangan menuju syurgaNya.

ALLAH maha mengetahui.Saya harap DIA tahu,saya sedang berusaha,berusaha laksanakan tanggungjawab saya sebagai hamba,sebaiknya..

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Ruang Berfikir

Sedikit serabut minggu ni.
Banyak buang masa buat benda x berfaedah sebab hati dengan otak x selari.
Hasutan syaitan je tu semua, nak uji kekuatan hati sendiri.
Sangat serabut sammpai PERTAMA pun memang x berminat dan xde mood nak pergi =_="
Minggu lepas sangat busy dengan SLIM jadi x berkesempatan nak meluangkan masa untuk fikir beberapa perkara..
Sekarang baru sempat fikir.
Tapi bila dah fikir semakin pening dan serabut 0_o

Ok lah,nak pergi bukak Al-Quran,dah tanya housemates ayat yang sesuai ^__^
Semoga ALLAH menenangkan hati,amin..

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Malu..

Sometimes,malu kot dengan diri sendiri,orang lain dan yang paling penting,ALLAH.
Tengok kiri,tengok kanan,kawan semua baik-baik.
Malu tengok kawan2 yang dulu bukan sekolah agama,sekarang dah banyak sangat berubah.
Sampai kagum dengan perubahan dorang,lepas hati disentuh tarbiyyah :')
Itu lah indahnya tarbiyyah.

Tapi aku perasan,sejak nak mentarbiyyahkan hati dan diri ni,macam makin terjebak ke benda yg x sepatutnya.Jahiliyyah yang semakin kurang,tiba2 bertambah,makin susah ditinggalkan :'( *nangis lebat*

Takut sangat,takut ALLAH dah tutup hati.Takut hati dah buta.Dah x malu dengan dosa.Sedih sangat.. Yang pegang hati ALLAH,jadi hanya dapat mengadu agar ALLAH beri kekuatan,kekuatan utk berubah lebih baik.

Malu sangat dengan ALLAH,rasa nak sujud je dekat ALLAH xnak bangun2 dah.ALLAH dah bagi macam2.Dah banyak sangat.Tapi balasan aku kepada ALLAH x setimpal :(

-sedang mencari kekuatan diri-

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Time...

A precious thing that we always take for granted..
Time,a thing that will never return back.
There were some moment,that I would like to rewind and do it back.
But then I realised, by changing it, I'm changing ME,who I am today.
I'm not hundred percent proud of it.I'm far frim perfect.
But I do knew how to appreciate.
I want to appreciate more.Lova more,forgive more,accept less and give more to others ^__^

Life is DIFFERENT...depends on the way you look at it.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Time When Even Words Are Not Enough

Yes, there will also be a time when someone talkative like me become..lost for words..

Some people said to me:
Even though you faced the same problem like ***,
why you still look ok? Compared to that person who cant focus on anything else.
*smile*
It's not that I'm ok, I'm trying to be OK.
I dont focus on the problem.I'm focusing on getting on with my life.
*sigh* *sigh* *sigh* *sigh*
"There will always be a problem. But as long as you turn back to ALLAH,
everything will be OKAY.
As long as you redha with it.
Everything happened have it's own hikmah.InsyaALLAH"

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Wahai Rakan 'Kanak-Kanak' di Jordan

Kanak-kanak?
Siapa yang aku maksudkan sebagai kanak-kanak ni?
Budak-budak yang sibuk bermain bola di padang berdekatan Sakan Kuning ke?Atau budak-budak yang selalu riang ria gembira berlari-lari berkejaran dengan kawan-kawan di depan Dale3 Karsyak AKA depan rumah aku dekat Jordan ni?
Oh,tidak2..tidak sama sekali..
Kanak-kanak itu adalah anda,yer,anda yang membaca dan belajar di Jordan,anda yang bila ada isu sedikit terus nak update di status dan tulis di Open Talk Permai supaya sama2 dapat meluahkan 'pandangan' masing-masing bagaikan anda semua adalah ustaz dan ustazah..Fuhh,best kan kalau begitu banyak ustaz dan ustazah dari Jordan,balik Malaysia boleh menyumbang untuk ummat,walaupun hanya tahu cakap pasal isu-isu kecil seperti Murokib dan Purdah@Niqob.Eh??





Yer,anak-anak sekalian..Walaupun aku baru Tahun Dua pengajian di Jordan,aku dah bosan dengan satu fenomena yang melanda 'kanak-kanak' Jordan,baik yang tua,muda mahu pun sebaya..Bila berlaku sesuatu perkara,walaupun x lah besar mana,semua sibuk nak tulis di status Muka Buku,di Open Talk PERMAI,di blog dan macam2 lagi.Bukannya salah pun perkara ni,x salah..Itu bermakna anda cakna dengan isu semasa mahasiswa di Jordan,bagus!Tapi adakalanya macam terlalu cakna sampai macam menjaga tepi kain orang 0_o

Yang menulis pendapat,kalau berunsur nasihat yang baik,teguran dengan cara yang baik,x mengapa..Ni tullis semuanya berbaur menghentam pihak tertentu,teguran pun dengan gaya bahasa yang sememangnya x menepati skema pemarkahan Bahasa Melayu SPM.Anda ingat semua orang suka lah baca?Anda gembira bila ramai orang like status anda tu?Itu tandanya anda memang x matang,anda memang kanak-kanak.

Tak salah meluahkan pandangan,asalkan dengan cara yang baik dan dengan niat yang baik la,untuk bagi pengajaran,agar orang lain dapat mengambil hikmah..

Tapi,ikut pandangan aku pulak,rasanya mahasiswa Jordan ni (mana yang buat la,bukan semua) suka memperbesarkan isu yang kecil,sibuk bincang,pung pang sana sini padahal x tahu pun duduk sebenar perkara tu.Sibuk bercerita tapi x tahu apa.Sibuk mengata tanpa fikir perasaan orang lain.Sibuk bercerita tanpa ilmu.

Sedangkan banyak lagi isu yang lebih besar dan lebih mustahak yang boleh dibincangkan.Macam pasal isu pelajar suka ponteng kelas,isu pergaulan bebas,isu semasa ummat,isu di Syria,Palestin..Macam mana nak membangunkan Islam.Bukan sibuk bincang isu2 kecil yang x tambah pahala dan ilmu sebaliknya tambah dosa.

Kita dah pernah ke cerita pasal Islam kepada orang yang kita jumpa?Pada kawan2 Arab kita?Pernah ke kita tegur maksiat yang jelas berlaku di depan mata?Pernah ke kita sampaikan sesuatu pasal Islam kepada orang lain?Jadi layak ke kita sebagai manusia,nak sibuk menghukum orang sana sini dengan status Muka Buku kita?

Apa yang kita buat mungkin membuka aib orang lain which is berdosa besar.Pernah ke kita fikir?Perasaan orang yang membaca?

Pandangan anda mungkin ada betulnya.Pandangan dia mungkin juga ada betulnya.Cuma cara anda ingin berkongsi tu yang x berapa kena..jangan sibuk menghukum dan menuduh sebaliknya carilah penyelesaian.

Buka minda,ambil tahu isu semasa yang lebih besar.Jadi mahasiswa yang cakna dan bijak.Anda ada ilmu.Tapi gunalah sebaiknya :)

Segala yang baik datang dari ALLAH.Yang kurang adalah kelemahan saya sendiri.Apa yang ditulis bukan untuk menghentam sesiapa tapi cuma untuk memberi kesedaran.Semua orang buat silap termasuklah saya.Sekiranya cara saya ini juga salah pada pandangan anda,minta maaf..Semua orang ada pandangan masing-masing dan saya pernah ditegur supaya lebih berfikiran terbuka dan terima pandangan orang lain.Saya terima pandangan anda tapi lain kali,sampaikan dengan cara yang betul :)

Wallahualam..