Pushing Myself to The Limits

Assalamualaikum and hello there.
Yes, I know I've been gloomy and kinda down lately but alhamdulillah, I'm slowly trying to raise my spirit up again,yay! The keypoint to solve a breakdown or such things is by making yourself closer to Allah. Remember Him in everything you do. Try to find Him when you have problems because He is always there for you. Rely on Him and tell Him your problems. He listen to all of it and insyaAllah, by doing that, ypu'll feel a lot better :)

I'm now, a student at Yarmouk University Jordan, majoring in Economics and Islamic Banking under Syariah's Faculty. I'm currently in my second year right now, have passed all the ups and downs as a first year ( which are quite hard because I need to deal with a major homesickness like crazy,problems in study like trying to understand what my lecturers are actually saying,trying to find the best method to study,yada yada etc) and you might think I'm sailing on a cruise with my study now, what with being a senior (  even just a second year :P ) and being a scorer ( whatever.i'm not.dont know how to say it to others) , it's not actually. I think the road is more bumpy now and the truth is, I dont even know what path I should be walking on :(

After listening to the talk from Dr. Akram this evening ( it was great! an aye opener for someone who doesnt like to read newspaper or things about Islamic Banking that much =_=' major slaps to my own face) I start to think, what actually I want to be in the future?

To be frank, I dont even like this course that much. I took this course because it came with the scholarship and I desperately need it. I'm not from a rich family and what with my dad already retired right now and he has almost six more children to feed, I dont want to be a burden to him. And my dad always said how he wants to see his child furthering his/her study in the Middle East and the opportunity is right in front of my eyes! So yeah, I grab it (even with a reluctant heart) and pray to Allah that I've made the right decision.

I like accounting. No,stop. Not true. I LOVE accounting! I've always plan to take accounting and after I finished my degree, I want to further my study in the professional field. That is my dream. No, that WAS my dream. It's been crushed down now. I've always got a good result in accounting even with my low skills in Math. I never ever got even B.

So, that's why at first, I'm pushing myself like crazy at Jordan. I've tried my best to like the course I'm taking right now. But first year is so hard. I cried so many times, wanting to go back home and just take the course I really like. I dont even know why I'm choosing this road. When things get hard, giving up seems like the only option.

But unexpectedly, I CAN DO IT ACTUALLY. I've finished my first year with rather a good result. And I even think, it's not that hard anymore. After being in second year, things really do get easier. But still, I dont know what I wanna do in the future. What field I'm gonna be working after finishing my study.

Back to the topic, after listening to the talk from Dr. Akram, he said that there is not enough human resources in Islamic Banking field. And then, one of my senior ask about Syariah Auditing. And I was like, seeing the light for the first time! Auditing is part of accounting! And yes, I do want to be an auditor ( one of my biggest dream ever! ) so I've started to think, what if I want to be a Syariah Auditor? There is no one working as Syariah Auditor because it's hard enough to be an auditor. I'm not really sure if I really want to go down that path because even now, I'm not sure with so many things.

I dont hate Islamic Banking. I'm starting to love it! I also like Economics and I'm really interested with the capital market, Islamic Capital Market ( for sukuk ) seems more interesting to me so I'm not sure if I want to go that path. But at least, I've set my mind on something. Yay! I'm feeling good already by writing all of these down here :)

I'm not the most positive person in the world. I've feelings. Sometimes I feel happy, sad, down, tired and sometimes I've also feel like giving up and just want to pack my bag and go home ( what a nice thought) but no, I dont want to do that. I have Allah. And I believe everything happened for a reason. I believe there is reason why he makes me go down this path. He knows that I can do it. He knows that this is the best for me. And I'm believing in Him! I believe in Him, the best planner in this whole world!

When you are not sure, find Him, find ALLAH, He knows what's best. I'm not sure myself. But I never give up on Him. I know He will guide me, through this journey ^__^

I want to try my best for Him, for my parent, for my family, for Islam, for ummah..

اللَّهُ يَبْسُطُ الرِّزْقَ لِمَنْ يَشَاءُ مِنْ عِبَادِهِ وَيَقْدِرُ لَهُ ۚ إِنَّ اللَّهَ بِكُلِّ شَيْءٍ عَلِيمٌ

 

Allah enlarges the sustenance (which He gives) to whichever of His servants He pleases; and He (similarly) grants by (strict) measure (as He pleases): for Allah has full knowledge of all things.

Al Ankabut 29:62