Guidance and Tarbiyah

Assalamualaikum...
It's been such a long time since the last time I write and all the things I wrote lately were not good,most of it are about me wanting to run away,having emotional problems etc etc...

And yes,I think,since I've begin my life as a third year student at Yarmouk University,my life has been so hectic! I'm so stressful with the subjects I'm taking this semester, I'm having a very rough time adapting myself with my new life,with my new role,supposedly to become a murobbi,insyaAllah..

And yes,there have been like so many times when I'm contemplating with myself,
"Why I have to do this?All of these are so hard. I'm not that strong. Can I really handle a liqo?Usrah? Can I really guide someone when I'm the one who needs guidance?Am I that good?? Cant I just give up all of these,please??"

And so many other questions that keep haunting me from time to time. Giving up. Yes,I've been thinking about giving up for so many times. Not just giving up on tarbiyah but giving up on study. When I'm feeling really low, I feel like packing up everything and just go back to Malaysia. Life seems hard. Or I make it seems hard.

After a while, I realize, I have Allah, family, friends and most of all, I have tarbiyah. Isnt that supposed to differentiate me from others?? And I always feel inferior with myself, I have been feeling like that, all my life. I'm always feeling, no matter how good I am at something, I'm the worst. And if I keep on thinking like that, who will guide all those sisters, that probably looking for guidance, for Islam but not knowing how.I am the one who had received so many things from my murobbi, who had guide me a really long way to become the people I am right now, surely have to give back right? I cant just sit around and keep on hoping for someone to share something with me without me myself wanting to share something with someone else. I really cannot do that.

Everytime I'm thinking of that, I realize, I have to do something. I have to give back what I have received from others. Islam, dont belong just to me, it's for everyone. You dont want to be the good guy all by yourselves and making others look bad. We all want to be the good guys, and be together in Jannah.

And yes, this road is never easy. No one has said it will be easy. It's hard. SO hard that sometimes its filled with tears and bloods. Giving up always seems like an easy choice but it's never an option. Me,myself is still lacking in so many things, in my ibadah, in my jahiliyyah that I find so hard to throw away. But I really want to contribute. I want to do something. I want to be in Jannnah with everyone. I want others to be with me together in the Jannah.

So I have to start doing something. What I'm feeling guilty about is for not doing much, for giving so many excuses for everything. Strength, I will find more of it. I cant wait for Allah to give it all to me. I'm afraid that if Allah take me away, I dont have much to present to him, not even a single mutarabbi, not even a moment when I've done dakwah. I dont want that :(

Everyone around me is being so nice, giving support and help. Especially my murobbi. I'm especially thankful to her, for always giving me guidance, even when I'm not saying the correct thing, not doing the right thing,for not doing anything :'( I'm afraid if I keep on giving excuses, sitting and just waiting, Allah will take away this tarbiyah from me. NO! Please NEVER let that happen. I'm not strong but without tarbiyah,without Islam,without Allah, I'm nobody. Islam has make me different,make me special,make me want to be better. And I, for more than once and twice and afterward, really want to share this feeling with somebody else.



Wallahualam..

Worst Time Ever

I just want to run away,can I?
I dont even have the strength to think anymore.
I think now is almost the longest time that I didnt speak more than ten words in more than 4 hours.
I barely said anything.
That's because I'm lost for words.
I feel bad for feeling bad about people around me.

I reallly REALLY really want to run away.
It's like I'm almost at my limit.
I cant go on anymore.
Seriously.
I may hate myself more than I hate people around me.

Selfish yes I am.
But I dont know what to do.
SO yes,I'm maybe really going to run away..

Recently

Life has been pretty hectic! The start of new sem, I'm officially third year now,alhamdulillah..
Feel a little bit scared because sometimes I dont even know if I'm fully prepared or not. Mentally, I dont think I'm fully prepared. There are just so many problems,so many things to think off =_="

Praying that everything will be okay,may Allah ease everything.
Going to Amman tomorrow to visit a citadel! Feel a lil bit excited and scared at the same time but I know that Allah knew what we are doing and it's for the best. May Allah ease everything tomorrow..

Even though I'm third year already, I still feel homesick *sigh*
That's supposed to be a secret ;)

Erm,yeah, I'm not good at writing..

Wassalam..

ps: will turn 20 soon :)

Situation

There are several situations where u have a rather bad memories with certain person but in the end, there are always good memories with that person.

That person can be your friend,your family,your relatives or anyone that you know. And the truth is, I dont like the situation when just one bad things happened and a person use that situation to get away from you. Or suddenly avoiding you.

Everyone make mistakes. Do you consider yourself perfect? Then you are definitely wrong. And you always want people to forgive you when you make mistake and go "let's pretend nothing ever happen" but when someone make mistake to you,you cant let it go.And think that person is the worst human alive.

I hate this kind of person. Dont turn on others just because of one simple thing.

In the End

You'll be alone.
Everyone is like that.
In the end,you have to brave yourself for the big NO.
The answer that you are dreading but always have to hear no matter what.

Maafkanlah..

Assalamualaikum everyone.
Ramadhan Kareem :)

Alhamdulillah,I'm blessed to have the opportunity to celebrate my Ramadhan in Jordan.First Ramadhan actually :)

And during this Ramadhan I think Allah is trying to test me,to see whether I'm patient or not.
That's why Allah test me with so many things.And I'm not proud with most of it.Sometimes I got angry way too easily and sometimes I'm being too emotional and then keep crying alone.Not good definitely =_="

I have an exam today and still didnt read many of the things there.I'll try to finish it this morning because exam is apparently this afternoon at 2. Wish me luck ;)

I realized that people keep doing mistake to you and sometimes you just wanna go away from them but then in the end, they are your friends and you DO love them and dont have the energy to chase them away. SO just forgive them. People make mistakes,you makes mistakes. And even Allah forgive our billions's mistakes.

whether you do good openly or in secret, or pardon others for evil [done unto you]: for, behold, God is indeed an absolver of sins, infinite in His power.

An-Nisa:149

Life is..

Not that great at the moment.
I feel alone, I feel terrible.
I just wanna go home already.
All of these are killing me.

I look at people and feel afraid that they would saw the hatred in my eyes.
Hatred I have for myself. And for others.
When the time come,I'll leave and will never leave a trace.