Alone in a Lonely Street

Assalamualaikum....
Yes it's been such a hard phase lately, the moody and feeling down lately.
Actually,because of these not-so-good feelings,I've been praying especially in solat,so that I can be husnuzzon always with everything,all things Allah has planed,all people around me but centainly I'm not feeling better.

It's not much but it's just the feeling that you are not needed,that people didnt notice you exist,didnt notice you have problems,the feelings that people dont care at all whatever happen to you. Yes,I'm feeling that,with most people and things around me. Like,for example, before this, earlier on, when I'm still new in 'tarbiyah', I remembered so many sisters came to me and keep asking if I have problems etc but nowadays,yeah,there was barely anyone (except for my current murobbi) and I understand that everyone is busy and I'm in the phase in which,I cannot be too soft on myself, I need to be strong.

But seriously I'm a normal human being and sometimes life is wearing me,taking me down.And there are so many things I've done,wrote just to show my cry for help and rarely a person come and ask for my problems. And then I remembered how a friend have wrote in her FB's status,claiming that she has problems and dozens of people came and asked her what her problems is,giving her support and I didnt get any of that.

And I keep wondering,am I unworthy now?I feel like people rarely see how hard I try,how hard I'm doing my job and then,another person who rarely do much get so much appraisal. I dont want any of that because I know it's enough as long as Allah knows what you are doing and appreciate it. We do things in the sake of Allah but still,I feel alone.Never have I feel this alone. I'm also feeling that ukhuwah people show me are not real. Ah!! Why am I having all these bad thoughts T_T


I realized that people are judging me more and more. An some people may think I'm not good enough but I'm trying. It's tiring being good and know how underappreciated you are.Some of it are mayb my own mistake.Maybe I'm not taking care my ukhuwah with others nicely so that's why people didnt do the same for me. Life is hard,even more when you are alone. And this is making me feeling a little bit futur which is not god.Nauzubillah.Allah,gives me strength,to see the good in people and dosomething good for others :)

Alone

It's sad,when you think that someone would finally notice you.
And in the end,they dont.
You are just standing in the same place,left alone in the dark.

And it's sad,when you have think too much and in the end be left ignored.
Alone and alone.
Like usual.
Always.

-yes,hate is better-

Tersentuh

“waktu yang aku perlu habiskan untuk menulis buku, aku gunakan untuk membentuk seratus pemuda Islam. Setiap orang daripada mereka akan menjadi sebuah buku yang hidup, bercakap, beramal dan meninggalkan kesan. Aku hantarkan setiap orang daripada mereka ke sebuah Negara daripada Negara-negara Islam, lalu mereka membentuk para pemuda di situ sebagaimana aku membentuk mereka.” 

(Imam Hassan Al-Banna)

Beratnya Jahiliyyah

Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way

Assalamualaikum..

Erk, memang nampak macam agak lagho di situ sebab tiba-tiba guna lirik lagu pulak.

Tapi bukan sebab nak lagu semata-mata tapi aku suka lirik dia (yang part ni je la,part lain tak) sebab boleh relate dengan diri sendiri kot.

Every time aku rasa down dengan diri sendiri, dengan jahiliyyah diri yang berkepuk-kepuk susah nak dibuang, aku mesti teringat lirik ni :'(

Terasa sangat la susah. Susahnya mujahadah. Susahnya ingin berubah. Semua tu hanya Allah je yang tahu. Penyesalan. Rasa memang macam itu antara benda yang sangat2 la menghantui diri. Sedar perbuatan tu satu dosa. Tapi masih buat. Allah...

Berat. Berat bila diri dah tahu, bila diri dah sedar. Jahiliyyah yang kalau dulu tak terasa besar ujiannya, tapi bila nak ditinggalkan semakin berat rasa. Semakin diuji dengan hebatnya *lap air mata*

Rasa risau. Allah masih bagi chance sekarang, masih bagi peluang. Kalau tiba2 nyawa ditarik,macam mana? Menyesal pun tak berguna lagi :( Rasa tak layak dapat semua nikmat yang Allah bagi sekarang, yang Allah masih bagi. Aku sebagai hamba tak betul betul laksanakan tanggungjawab hamba. Layakkah aku nak terus meminta??

'Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Looking for heaven, found the devil in me

Ya,tulah yang aku sering rasakan. Syurga terasa jauh dengan diri yang masih banyak kejahatan :'(

Lirik:Florence and The Machine (Shake it out)

Guidance and Tarbiyah

Assalamualaikum...
It's been such a long time since the last time I write and all the things I wrote lately were not good,most of it are about me wanting to run away,having emotional problems etc etc...

And yes,I think,since I've begin my life as a third year student at Yarmouk University,my life has been so hectic! I'm so stressful with the subjects I'm taking this semester, I'm having a very rough time adapting myself with my new life,with my new role,supposedly to become a murobbi,insyaAllah..

And yes,there have been like so many times when I'm contemplating with myself,
"Why I have to do this?All of these are so hard. I'm not that strong. Can I really handle a liqo?Usrah? Can I really guide someone when I'm the one who needs guidance?Am I that good?? Cant I just give up all of these,please??"

And so many other questions that keep haunting me from time to time. Giving up. Yes,I've been thinking about giving up for so many times. Not just giving up on tarbiyah but giving up on study. When I'm feeling really low, I feel like packing up everything and just go back to Malaysia. Life seems hard. Or I make it seems hard.

After a while, I realize, I have Allah, family, friends and most of all, I have tarbiyah. Isnt that supposed to differentiate me from others?? And I always feel inferior with myself, I have been feeling like that, all my life. I'm always feeling, no matter how good I am at something, I'm the worst. And if I keep on thinking like that, who will guide all those sisters, that probably looking for guidance, for Islam but not knowing how.I am the one who had received so many things from my murobbi, who had guide me a really long way to become the people I am right now, surely have to give back right? I cant just sit around and keep on hoping for someone to share something with me without me myself wanting to share something with someone else. I really cannot do that.

Everytime I'm thinking of that, I realize, I have to do something. I have to give back what I have received from others. Islam, dont belong just to me, it's for everyone. You dont want to be the good guy all by yourselves and making others look bad. We all want to be the good guys, and be together in Jannah.

And yes, this road is never easy. No one has said it will be easy. It's hard. SO hard that sometimes its filled with tears and bloods. Giving up always seems like an easy choice but it's never an option. Me,myself is still lacking in so many things, in my ibadah, in my jahiliyyah that I find so hard to throw away. But I really want to contribute. I want to do something. I want to be in Jannnah with everyone. I want others to be with me together in the Jannah.

So I have to start doing something. What I'm feeling guilty about is for not doing much, for giving so many excuses for everything. Strength, I will find more of it. I cant wait for Allah to give it all to me. I'm afraid that if Allah take me away, I dont have much to present to him, not even a single mutarabbi, not even a moment when I've done dakwah. I dont want that :(

Everyone around me is being so nice, giving support and help. Especially my murobbi. I'm especially thankful to her, for always giving me guidance, even when I'm not saying the correct thing, not doing the right thing,for not doing anything :'( I'm afraid if I keep on giving excuses, sitting and just waiting, Allah will take away this tarbiyah from me. NO! Please NEVER let that happen. I'm not strong but without tarbiyah,without Islam,without Allah, I'm nobody. Islam has make me different,make me special,make me want to be better. And I, for more than once and twice and afterward, really want to share this feeling with somebody else.



Wallahualam..

Worst Time Ever

I just want to run away,can I?
I dont even have the strength to think anymore.
I think now is almost the longest time that I didnt speak more than ten words in more than 4 hours.
I barely said anything.
That's because I'm lost for words.
I feel bad for feeling bad about people around me.

I reallly REALLY really want to run away.
It's like I'm almost at my limit.
I cant go on anymore.
Seriously.
I may hate myself more than I hate people around me.

Selfish yes I am.
But I dont know what to do.
SO yes,I'm maybe really going to run away..

Recently

Life has been pretty hectic! The start of new sem, I'm officially third year now,alhamdulillah..
Feel a little bit scared because sometimes I dont even know if I'm fully prepared or not. Mentally, I dont think I'm fully prepared. There are just so many problems,so many things to think off =_="

Praying that everything will be okay,may Allah ease everything.
Going to Amman tomorrow to visit a citadel! Feel a lil bit excited and scared at the same time but I know that Allah knew what we are doing and it's for the best. May Allah ease everything tomorrow..

Even though I'm third year already, I still feel homesick *sigh*
That's supposed to be a secret ;)

Erm,yeah, I'm not good at writing..

Wassalam..

ps: will turn 20 soon :)