In the End

You'll be alone.
Everyone is like that.
In the end,you have to brave yourself for the big NO.
The answer that you are dreading but always have to hear no matter what.

Maafkanlah..

Assalamualaikum everyone.
Ramadhan Kareem :)

Alhamdulillah,I'm blessed to have the opportunity to celebrate my Ramadhan in Jordan.First Ramadhan actually :)

And during this Ramadhan I think Allah is trying to test me,to see whether I'm patient or not.
That's why Allah test me with so many things.And I'm not proud with most of it.Sometimes I got angry way too easily and sometimes I'm being too emotional and then keep crying alone.Not good definitely =_="

I have an exam today and still didnt read many of the things there.I'll try to finish it this morning because exam is apparently this afternoon at 2. Wish me luck ;)

I realized that people keep doing mistake to you and sometimes you just wanna go away from them but then in the end, they are your friends and you DO love them and dont have the energy to chase them away. SO just forgive them. People make mistakes,you makes mistakes. And even Allah forgive our billions's mistakes.

whether you do good openly or in secret, or pardon others for evil [done unto you]: for, behold, God is indeed an absolver of sins, infinite in His power.

An-Nisa:149

Life is..

Not that great at the moment.
I feel alone, I feel terrible.
I just wanna go home already.
All of these are killing me.

I look at people and feel afraid that they would saw the hatred in my eyes.
Hatred I have for myself. And for others.
When the time come,I'll leave and will never leave a trace.

Allah Uji Tanda Allah Sayang

Banyak sangat ujian,rasa nak jatuh terduduk rebah,menangis sendirian.
Tapi apa guna?Menangis akan hilangkah masalah?
Cari Allah..

Rasa sangat akhir2 ni kurang jaga hubungan dengan Allah.
Mungkin sebab tu banyak sangat Allah uji,uji iman,uji hati,uji jiwa.
Tengok sama ada aku akan rebah atau terus melangkah.

Diri aku memang tak kuat.Mana mungkin aku mampu hadapi semuanya sendirian.
Tapi aku x pernah sendiri.Allah ada,di mana2,di hati kita.
Manusia boleh menyakiti.
Yang penting kita sendiri mesti teguh berdiri.
:'(

SEMOGA ALLAH SAMPAIKAN AKU DAN KELUARGAKU KEPADA RAMADHAN

Run Away

I think now is really the time when Allah wants to test me,see  whether I'm patient or not.
And the truth is,I'm not that patient.
My heart is hurt when a close friend treat me badly without reasons and treat others nicely.
My heart is hurt when a close friend is staying away.
My heart is hurt when a close friend always being angry with me.

My heart is hurt because when all of these happens,I dont have people that truly love me around,near me,my family.
I feel like leaving them, like I cant stand it anymore.
I have a heart and I dont deserve to be treated like this.
I feel like running away and finding a new place to live,to be alone.

Sometimes I just want to be alone
I want to be by myself.
Because even when I'm with a crowd of people,no one really care.
So what is the purpose then??
Sometimes I hate myself for hating others, I'm turning into a bad person.
And I hate it.
I do HATE myself,for now.

Fragile One

There are times when I felt like giving up. Putting a full stop on everything going on right now.
And actually,now is one of those times. Times when I feel too fragile, when everything that other people said, even the simplest thing could hurt so much. And I think I have most of it, the big emotional breakdown yesterday. Now I'm feeling better, but still, there are the leftover of those feelings.

Feelings when I feel like I'm the worst person on earth, I'm the most evil one, I'm the ugliest one, the most unworthiest one. Like I dont even know what is the real meaning in life. And I dont deserve any of the thing that I have now. And all those bad feelings. Like everyone is deceiving me,looking down me and hate me T_T

Ya Allah, I really ask for your forgiveness. I feel like an ungrateful person. I make everyone else around me worry me so much. And I'm feeling guilty. A lot. But I think I need to sit down. Think clearly. Allah is the one I'm seeking right now. And I hope I'll find the answer. The reassurance I'm really looking for.

Allah has plan,and His plan is the best. And He knows that by giving me these challenges, I'll be stronger.

Susahnya Membina Thiqah

Assalamualaikum..
This would be my first post after returning from my two weeks trip to UK.
Still tired and maybe I'll write later about my experiences and journey there :)

Thiqah? What it is? For you who didnt know,thiqah is and an Arabic's word and it means trust.
And yes,I know that many of you will agree with me that it's hard to build your trust on someone,to decide whether you could confide your secrets to that particular person,to tell your stories to them,to think of them as someone close to you and so on..

As for me,because of several really bad experiences with people involving trust, I find it hard to trust someone. And at this point, even when I'm close with someone, I still find it hard to trust them. And for me,it need just a simple lie,one simple lie to make my trust in someone fade completely. I really HATE it when someone lie to me. There is one point in life,when I think that my life is full with lies, I cannot even see what is the truth and what is not and I started to hate almost everyone around me. That is how bad it is.

The first step in the process of knowing someone, you'll decide whether they are suitable to be your friends or not, whether you can get along nicely with them or not. I have many friends. I love making new friends and once people really know me, they'll know how easy I am to talk to. But still, I find it hard to trust someone, whether I could them anything personal about me,about my life. Being me,even telling people about my family is kind of hard and personal and I've struggled with it all my life. So,when I trust someone, I give them the half-full trust. And when I've already gave someone the full trust I rarely gave, it's really easy to break them.

When you decided to trust someone, you first see all qualities they have; can they keep your secrets safe, can they understand you?, will they be a good listener?, will they share anything about them with you ( I also cant trust someone who keeps everything to themselves and expect only me to be the one telling everything) and many more.

And of course, first thing first to build a good trust on someone, you'll need to build a really good relationship with them,being a really good friend with them. Without a strong ukhuwwah, how can you build the trust right? :)

And now, I'm in the process of learning, learning on how to build my trust on someone, make somebody else trust me too, how to build a good ukhuwwah with someone. Before this I never cared too much,about having a good relationship,building ukhuwwah with someone I dont know but now, I've saw more of Islam,I've known more so I want to meet more new people, want to build more trust,want to have a rather sweet ukhuwwah with new people. It's not hard especially when I'm thinking I'm doing it in favor with what Allah wants ^___^

During my jaulah to UK,I've felt how sweet ukhuwwah can be. How easy to be closed with someone you rarely know, to share something intimate with them and more. It happened easily because we always think of doing it because of Allah.

Me,who find it hard to trust someone,and still finding it hard even now, is slowly starting to open up,want to walk faster,want to know more,learn more,share more with others. I want to be better and it's start by building trust and ukhuwwah with others,improving myself,improving my relationship with Allah too :)

Hope that Allah will help me, will help us all,insyaAllah..