Choices

In life,there are always several choices that you have to made.Sometimes you happy that you've made that decisions and sometimes you regret it.That's part of the journey.

Sometimes, when you have walked past all the choices that you've made,you'll look back and you'll think  back about all the reasons,the factors that lead you to make that decisions. As for me, the factors are many, some are because of my beloved ones (parents,family,friends,etc) and of course,because of Allah,surroundings play an important role too.

After two years in Jordan, I still cannot say whether I regret or happy that I've made the decision. I'm grateful for the fact that by going here, I've changed for better in many kind of ways, I've learned so many things I never even thinking of, I've got so many wonderful friends, have many wonderful memories, have the opportunity to visit so many countries already,have found tarbiyyah that indeed,something really valuable for me.

But by going here,there are several things I've come to regret I've done it. Let's just keep it to myself ^__^ I've done several things that I hope I can just turn back the time so it will never happened. Things that you never even imagine yourself doing it. Several things that make me sort of cries for days. Indeed, they are all valuable lessons. I've learned a lot from it.

There are positive and negative side and effect from my decision of going to Jordan. Alhamdulillah, I also learned how to let go,of things I thought I need to continue living ( haha, need? funny. I dont die even without it ) so that's life. I dont want to make choice, it was hard and painful. But in order to continue life, choices need to be done.

ps: if things dont change, I'll never make this choice. but things change, people change. sometimes we wonder, do people changed because of their surrounding or because of the years that gone by? and sometimes i felt like I'm the only one left behind :(

Second Exam,Bismillah...

Yes,second exam will start,tomorrow.And yes,me,being me,is still lazying around after I've got my internet line back (happily and sadly because there is still 20 pages to study 0_o ).

Many things happened during first exam ( and I felt like crying a lot sometimes ) but being me, the hard-to-show-emotion-type-of-person, yes, I'm just acting normal :)

I need to do better. I can do better. I need to stop thinking things that are not the supposedly priority right now. I've more to think. I need to do more. I need to be closer to Allah MORE! :(

New determination, always everytime but still I'm doing the same..

Sahabat dan Exam

Sahabat,rasanya tak perlu elaborate panjang2 kot. Senang cakap,siapa yang ada kawan yang dia anggap sebagai sahabat,maka secara tak rasminya,memang orang tu lah sahabat dia. As for me, I'm flexible. Tengok keadaan. Ada time aku rapat dengan A, sometimes dengan B, sometimes dengan C. Aku okay je dengan semua orang.

Kenapa tiba2 sebut pasal exam? Apa kaitan sahabat,dengan exam kan? Aku sekarang dah masuk tahun 2. Tapi aku tengok masih ada 1 benda tak berubah. Tabiat orang sekeliling aku, yang suka tengok/sebar/cerita/ambik tahu markah exam aku. Macam seriously, tolonglah, markah aku biasa2 je. Aku rasa aku normal macam orang lain. Pernah je dapat markah 60+ untuk satu madah. Pernah je time exam,dapat 9/20. Pernah je menangis time call mak sebab dalam ramai2 budak Melayu yang ambik madah yang sama,aku sorang je dapat bwh 10,orang lain dapat 15/20 atau 16/20.

Mungkinkah sebab aku budak tajaan,maka tendency orang untuk ambik tahu ternyata berkali gandanya?Kalau just ambik tahu dan senyap2 sendiri takpe jugak, tak ambik kesah pun, aku pun tak tahu. Tapi mak pantang kalau orang buat cerita,orang bergosip, orang bercerita pumpang pumpang sana sini benda tak benar. Dan tiba2,ada kawan yang...erk...terasa =_="

Dalam bersahabat,memang aku banyak je pernah buat salah dekat each one of my friends. Pernah je aku terguriskan hati dorang,termarah dorang,terbuat dorang rasa annoying sangat2 dengan aku,buat dorang kecik hati,buat dorang marah dan macam2 lagi la.Dan aku memang rasa bersalah pun.Dan lately mskin kuat rasa bersalah lagi2 bila dah jadi macam ni.

Senang cerita,disebabkan orang yang terlalu mengambil tahu pasal markah exam/muaddal aku telah menyebabkan timbul salah faham sikit.Huh,annoying2.Dah lama sabar.Aku memang rasa bersalah dekat kawan aku dan aku mintak maaf banyak2.Aku banyak buat silap. Tak dinafikan.

Dan tolonglah,stop spreading wrong news. Stop spreading rumors. Dosa tahu cerita pasal orang lain, sampai buat orang salah faham semua :( Aku nak jaga hati semua orang. Jadi someone else, tolong jaga hati aku jugak yer ^^

It's Enough To Have...

ALLAH

Yes, it's enough if we have Him, if we remember Him everyday, every seconds of our life.
Because the truth is, He doesnt need us. We are the one who need Him.
And without realizing, we are the one who keep forgetting Him and only find Him whenever we faced a hardtimes. Do we find Him when we are getting something good? Sometimes, we tend to forget. I tend to forget. I tend to forget to say Alhamdullillah when getting something and saying Innalillah when I'm faced with hardships. But in the end, I'm always the one that keep going back to Him, finding Him when I'm troubled. And yes, He is always there :)

Spread your LOVE to Him, the one and only creator, the one who gives us everything we have today.

يَا أَيُّهَا النَّاسُ أَنْتُمُ الْفُقَرَاءُ إِلَى اللَّهِ ۖ وَاللَّهُ هُوَ الْغَنِيُّ الْحَمِيدُ

O men! It is you who stand in need of God, whereas He alone is self-sufficient, the One to whom all praise is due.

35:15

Yakin

Macam mana mahu yakin, yakin dengan sesuatu yang kita kena buat?
Yakin dengan keputusan yang kita ambil?
Macam mana mahu yakin???!!!

-Lepas takut lari, dicari takut semakin tak jadi-

Banyak benda kena fikir. Banyak benda kena diambil kira..
Sometimes we just dont want to sacrifice, especially if there are so much to lost.

Pushing Myself to The Limits

Assalamualaikum and hello there.
Yes, I know I've been gloomy and kinda down lately but alhamdulillah, I'm slowly trying to raise my spirit up again,yay! The keypoint to solve a breakdown or such things is by making yourself closer to Allah. Remember Him in everything you do. Try to find Him when you have problems because He is always there for you. Rely on Him and tell Him your problems. He listen to all of it and insyaAllah, by doing that, ypu'll feel a lot better :)

I'm now, a student at Yarmouk University Jordan, majoring in Economics and Islamic Banking under Syariah's Faculty. I'm currently in my second year right now, have passed all the ups and downs as a first year ( which are quite hard because I need to deal with a major homesickness like crazy,problems in study like trying to understand what my lecturers are actually saying,trying to find the best method to study,yada yada etc) and you might think I'm sailing on a cruise with my study now, what with being a senior (  even just a second year :P ) and being a scorer ( whatever.i'm not.dont know how to say it to others) , it's not actually. I think the road is more bumpy now and the truth is, I dont even know what path I should be walking on :(

After listening to the talk from Dr. Akram this evening ( it was great! an aye opener for someone who doesnt like to read newspaper or things about Islamic Banking that much =_=' major slaps to my own face) I start to think, what actually I want to be in the future?

To be frank, I dont even like this course that much. I took this course because it came with the scholarship and I desperately need it. I'm not from a rich family and what with my dad already retired right now and he has almost six more children to feed, I dont want to be a burden to him. And my dad always said how he wants to see his child furthering his/her study in the Middle East and the opportunity is right in front of my eyes! So yeah, I grab it (even with a reluctant heart) and pray to Allah that I've made the right decision.

I like accounting. No,stop. Not true. I LOVE accounting! I've always plan to take accounting and after I finished my degree, I want to further my study in the professional field. That is my dream. No, that WAS my dream. It's been crushed down now. I've always got a good result in accounting even with my low skills in Math. I never ever got even B.

So, that's why at first, I'm pushing myself like crazy at Jordan. I've tried my best to like the course I'm taking right now. But first year is so hard. I cried so many times, wanting to go back home and just take the course I really like. I dont even know why I'm choosing this road. When things get hard, giving up seems like the only option.

But unexpectedly, I CAN DO IT ACTUALLY. I've finished my first year with rather a good result. And I even think, it's not that hard anymore. After being in second year, things really do get easier. But still, I dont know what I wanna do in the future. What field I'm gonna be working after finishing my study.

Back to the topic, after listening to the talk from Dr. Akram, he said that there is not enough human resources in Islamic Banking field. And then, one of my senior ask about Syariah Auditing. And I was like, seeing the light for the first time! Auditing is part of accounting! And yes, I do want to be an auditor ( one of my biggest dream ever! ) so I've started to think, what if I want to be a Syariah Auditor? There is no one working as Syariah Auditor because it's hard enough to be an auditor. I'm not really sure if I really want to go down that path because even now, I'm not sure with so many things.

I dont hate Islamic Banking. I'm starting to love it! I also like Economics and I'm really interested with the capital market, Islamic Capital Market ( for sukuk ) seems more interesting to me so I'm not sure if I want to go that path. But at least, I've set my mind on something. Yay! I'm feeling good already by writing all of these down here :)

I'm not the most positive person in the world. I've feelings. Sometimes I feel happy, sad, down, tired and sometimes I've also feel like giving up and just want to pack my bag and go home ( what a nice thought) but no, I dont want to do that. I have Allah. And I believe everything happened for a reason. I believe there is reason why he makes me go down this path. He knows that I can do it. He knows that this is the best for me. And I'm believing in Him! I believe in Him, the best planner in this whole world!

When you are not sure, find Him, find ALLAH, He knows what's best. I'm not sure myself. But I never give up on Him. I know He will guide me, through this journey ^__^

I want to try my best for Him, for my parent, for my family, for Islam, for ummah..

اللَّهُ يَبْسُطُ الرِّزْقَ لِمَنْ يَشَاءُ مِنْ عِبَادِهِ وَيَقْدِرُ لَهُ ۚ إِنَّ اللَّهَ بِكُلِّ شَيْءٍ عَلِيمٌ

 

Allah enlarges the sustenance (which He gives) to whichever of His servants He pleases; and He (similarly) grants by (strict) measure (as He pleases): for Allah has full knowledge of all things.

Al Ankabut 29:62

I'm Thinking Of...

Privating my blog.I feel like what I write is not,hurmm...how should I say it,not giving benefits to anyone?And yes,I'm feeling rather down lately and I dont have a place to write it down.I dont want to write all my miseries (cough,miseries?Haha..More like problems) for others to read.

The truth is, I dont like my conditions right now.I'm not in my completely hundred percents sound and healthy mind.I'm just going around without full motives.

This sem is really hard for me.I've learnt the pain of getting a very BAD marks,pain of letting go,pain of just keeping everything inside,pain of always feeling inferior of myself.I need to find myself.And I need to do it as soon as possible.

I watched around and everyone is moving forward, very fast and it feels like I'm the only one left behind. I dont do things that come straight from my heart anymore. I dont even know,what I'm feeling right now.

I'll turn to ALLAH.HE knows the answer to everything.HE will cures my heart,my problem.And I'll be fine,insyaALLAH.I just need some times,to be alone.

:)